A friend of mine is caught in a strange situation with her guy, and has been asking me advice.
Now usually I'm the go-to for guy-related questions, but for once I'm kind of at a loss.
So here's the sitch. (And maybe I should have "Asked Mason," but I digress.) She met this guy, and they totally hit it off. They had major chemistry, "got" each other, wanted to spend every waking second together, texted each other during the time they couldn't hang out (ie during work and sleeping time), etc. Everything was just dandy, up until about a week and a half ago.
All of a sudden, this dream dude seemed to disconnect himself. Where he used to call/write/email/text/smoke-signal her regularly, he now hardly seems to have the time to hang out with her or even think about her. At one point when they were first getting to know each other, he had told her that occasionally he goes through phases where he holes himself up in his room and hides from the world with video games and movies, and although it seems like he just wants to be alone, he's really looking for attention. As any girl knows, the worst thing you can do when a guy starts to pull back is come on stronger, but according to him, thats really what he's wishing for when he acts that way. So fast forward back to the present, where she's sitting on my couch moping around because her super sweet dream guy seems to be completely forgetting abotu her. Her feelings and desire to see him haven't changed, but he seems to feel completely differently.
Now her guy doesn't seem to be a bad person, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely rooting for the guy. He's funny, smart, outgoing, and seems really nice to her. And it isn't as though he's being an ass. He's still nice when they do talk or hang out, but as she described it, "it seems like the fire has died down to an ember." And after only a month and a half, we both agree the fire shouldn't have changed any yet.
They sat down and talked about it (I know, every guy's favorite activity) and he finally admitted that things seemed different to him too, and that it had come about the day he made her his girlfriend. Having that label apparently spooked him to a point of wanting to push the relationship far enough away to feel like a single guy again, despite the fact that he has self-proclaimed "super strong feelings" for her. According to her, they hardly ever see each other now, and she's lucky to hear from him once a day through text message or email.
I'm trying to be there for her, but I don't know what to tell her. She's a pretty tough cookie, and she's starting to feel like "if he isn't ready for me, then I'm moving on." We both agreed that their relationship was something really special, but she insists it just doesn't feel that way anymore.
What do you guys think? Is it doomed? Should she wait it out more? Is he looking for attention? Or will it be better in the long run for her to pull back too?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
What a guy wants, what a guy needs...
Monday, April 7, 2008
Waitlisted
Maybe something I should consider starting.
Let me explain. When I was seeing Erwin, I had changed my status on my Facebook profile to say I was "In A Relationship." Due to the Live Feed Facebook started some months back, pretty much everyone I know was alerted to this fact. This includes many a boy I have gone on dates with recently. I have too much pride to change it just yet.
I don't write about each and every date, by virtue of a majority of them not being blog-worthy at all. For example, Steven, who I went out for drinks with the night before I went to Disneyland for my first date with Erwin. He's a 25 year old law school student who I met on OKCupid, who's good looking and super sweet, but missing some key ingredients. He showed up dressed like it was laundry day (alright when we've been dating for awhile, but on a first date I would have assumed he would want to make the best first impression), spent a majority of the date talking about his ex and how broke he was, and as we ordered our first beers, he announced that he would pay for the first ones, but that I would be paying for the second ones. Now I'm not saying boys need to shell out more money than they have, but if he doesn't have the money to pay for two rounds of beers.... let's just order one. (Boys, please. Don't ever TELL a girl on a first date - that YOU invited her on - that she's going to have to pay for the next round. Bad manners.)
Anyway, in my opinion, it was a nice time but nothing to write home about. In his opinion, though, we had a ton in common, amazing chemistry, and he really wanted to see me again. After a few weeks of text messages from him, I didn't hear from him anymore, until tonight.
He's not a bad guy. In fact, he's a nice guy, with what seems like a good heart and a decent amount of intelligence. What he doesn't have is the social know-how to woo a girl during a first impression, which is key to getting 'em hooked. I spent the whole evening with him wishing there was someway to broach the subject, and help him out. With a few good pieces of wisdom and a little polishing, Steven could easily be a total catch for a great girl.
As much dating as I've done, and as many bad dates and poor first impressions I've had (if you don't believe me, go ahead and compare the amount of "first date" tags to "second date" tags.... I dare you), I think I'm kind of an expert on the subject of Do's and Absolutely-Do-Not's on a first date.
What better career for me than date-coaching for the desperate and down-trodden?
I'm seriously considering it. The details would need to be ironed out and all... but I welcome comments on the subject. Let's hear 'em!
Would you consider hiring a dating coach?
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
WWBD?
As we grow up, we all (or most of us) come to learn some important rules about dating and the dynamics between us and the people we are interested in.
"Don't be too available."
"Wait three days before calling."
"Don't put out on the first date."
Obviously, there are some ageless pieces of wisdom that we all know, and some of us follow. But there are deeper intricacies that make simple ideals that much more effective. For example, not being too available. Sure, I can get a text message from a guy I met that asks if I can hang out that night, and I can write back and say I'm busy. But you know what's even better? Not writing back 'til that night, when I'm busy. See what I mean?
There are so many of these little games (albeit stupid... I'm the first to admit that all these little dating games are bullshit and the world would be a better place without the unneeded frustrations that go along with them) that make the chance of having the person you really like fall for you that much greater. (Again... stupid, but proven successful from many, many experiments.)
Now as much as I would like to believe myself to be some incredible dating guru who has a natural talent for making guys fall head over heels in love with her, this stuff does not come easily for me. I spent the first 75% of my dating career being "that girl."
The girl that texts him as soon as she wakes up to tell him the dreams she had about how they got married and what their kids looked like, and as she's falling asleep to let him know that he's the last thing she thinks about before she goes to sleep. Before I scare you away (as so many I have during those shameful years), I'll continue.
I have learned much of what I know through trial and error, but experience is the worst teacher: It gives you the test before ever presenting the lesson. And sometimes that just isn't good enough.
A year ago, I moved into my current house, with two fun girls around my age. I only realized recently that one of them is my source of endless amounts of boy advice, because when she moved out I found myself thinking, "What would Brandy do?" She is intelligent and beautiful, of course, but in the world of seducing the boys you really want, you have to have a bit better hand than that. She always has blackjack.
She's the girl who goes into a bar, and by the time she leaves she's been asked for her contact info by the top 5 hottest guys in the room, without having approached any of them herself. She is pretty much constantly dating a small handful of some of the most attractive, sweetest guys you could round up (including high fashion models, working actors, celebrity bodyguards, Ultimate Fighters, professional football players.... you get the picture). And most importantly (for me), she is the girl that I can always tell my dating dilemmas to, and who always knows exactly how to handle any given situation. She's very independent and resilient, and whenever I find myself floating back into the "it's been three days, why hasn't he called me yet?" mentality, I remember that it isn't the guys I should be worried about; it's me that they should be worried about. And with that motto, I move on to the next, and by the time I hear from the lame guy who took an extra week to call me after we went out, I've already met a few more guys and have all but forgotten about that one. (Which definitely works in my favor, because they always want to get back in the picture when they can see I have other things going on in my life. If you take nothing else from this entry, take that bit of wisdom.)
These little differences may seem trivial or benign, but they are the reason why sometimes gorgeous girls can't seem to find anyone better than some average looking, moronic douchebag who treats them like crap, and girls who aren't necessarily 10's (or even 7's or 8') or all that smart or interesting but always seem to get the most amazing guys. There aren't any leagues (let's cut out this "he's out of my league" shit, once and for all please).
You could potentially have any girl or guy that you want. It's all in the way you approach things. (And, to put it very basically, all about letting them know you're interested and then making them think that you're far too busy or important to worry about it. Being comfortable in your own skin and being your first priority is the world's biggest aphrodisiac. Promise.)And with that, I will just say simply...
Go get 'em, tigers!
Suggested reading: The Art of Seduction, by Robert Greene
P.S. On a side note, but totally related to this subject, do you remember
The Sexy Czechy I noted in my Most Epic Week In History post? The young engineer/kitesurfer Val Kilmer look alike.... Well anyway, after that night (a month ago), I never heard from him, though he had insisted on getting my number. So (like I was saying) I forgot about it and moved on to the next. Well, two days ago he texted me, and apologized for the big gap and very confidently suggested lunch at a nice restaurant right on the beach for the next day. Long story short, we had lunch yesterday, and it was FAB. The weather was perfect, the convo was seamless, he was even more handsome than I remembered, and we kissed at the end, where he said we really HAD to do it again. Hopefully this won't be the last mention of The Sexy Czechy!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
This is an A. and B. conversation, so C. your way out of it.
I had an interesting conversation at work today on the topic of "who pays."
In my opinion, whoever asks for the date pays. If a guy asks me to go out, I think he should pay for the date. If I ask a guy on a date, then I'll pay (or offer to pay) for the date.
Now the way that I get around that (because of course there's a way.... I am a girl you know) is that I don't usually ask a guy on a date. I have gotten really good at making guys think that they are the ones that wanted to go out in the first place. But rules are rules, and if I do actually do the asking I will for sure assume I'm going to pay.
The other thing is that if I want to be really charming, even on the first date, I'll start moving towards my wallet when the check comes. That way, the guy will see that I'm going towards money to pitch in, and will almost inevitably be totally impressed that I am willing to pay/say "Oh no way, don't worry about it!" This definitely scores me some points in the way of being an awesome girl and not a gold-digging moochface. Plus he scores some points by not letting me pitch in (usually...).
The second date usually goes as the first does. This is kind of a crossroads for the budding relationship on many levels; obviously a second date meant I liked him (and he liked me) enough to want to see each other again. On the subject of who pays, if he again pays for this date, chances are he's either A. a keeper or B. has more money than most of the guys his age. If he lets me pay this time, I will either A. not mind because I'm totally digging his chili, or B. be kind of turned off and not see him again. Hopefully it will be option A., as I have a hard time changing my own mind after it makes itself up.
Going dutch (ugh... even the phrase turns me off) is a whole 'nother ball game. It is the world's biggest turn-off to pay for my own meal. I would rather take us both out to dinner, or the movies, or bowling or whatever than have to just pay for myself. If I wanted to pay for myself, I would have gone out by myself. Going dutch to me means that he A. was raised by wolves or B. does not intend to see me again. It most likely means that he isn't expecting to take turns, as in I will pay next time, because he doesn't foresee a next time. In the event that we go dutch, I don't foresee a next time either.
By the third date, I'm more than happy to pay if he'll let me. I don't expect a guy to pay for every meal, show ticket, bucket of popcorn, or pair of rental skates for me for the rest of our relationship. 
My friend at work has a different strategy, and its mapped out quite nicely by date number. I hope I get this right (please feel free to correct me if I miss anything).
First Date: She expects him to pay. She doesn't make a move to chip in, but says a big thank you after the check is taken care of.
Second Date: Again, she expects him to pay. But this time, she will ask if he wants some money. Hopefully he doesn't.
Third Date: By the third date, she will offer to chip in, and if he doesn't let her, she'll buy him a drink or something later on.
Fourth Date: By this time she thinks its fair to pick up the tab, and is totally willing to. Although I don't think she's be too upset if he didn't let her, she's happy to pay for this one.
After that, I think its kind of up to the guy to offer to pay, but she'll pick up some too. We both agreed that its a big turn on when a guy pays a lot of the time, but she put it well when she said, "guys our age either can't pay all the time or have rich daddies."
I think that about sums it up.... that's actually a pretty good method. I think I'm gonna try that next time there's a new somebody to try it with. :)
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