I Love PostSecret

Does anyone else follow it?

These two spoke to me.


The first I could have sent,
and the second he could have sent.

There's something very comforting to know that there are strangers all over the country with the same secret thoughts. Have any of you ever mailed in a secret?

Happy 6 Month Anniversary!

Well, today marks the 6th month since I started this blog, and I'm the type of girl who celebrates these things, so I wanted to give y'all a great big shout out for reading!

To mark this joyous day, I'll tell you the story of Hughes, a very attractive boy who turned out to be more strange than anything else.

It was last year, early March. I lived up north a few hours, but knew I would be moving to Southern California. Since I don't waste any time, I started perusing Craigslist in this area, to meet some new "friends." (You know, the ol' "new to the area, need some fun people to show me around" line.)

It was late at night, and after confirming my posting, I immediately got an email from Hughes; a year younger than me, who works as a professional photographer, who was really funny and sent a really hot picture. That'll work.

So we started exchanging emails, each one longer and more flirtatious. The more we discussed, the more we had in common it seemed: music taste, places we've traveled, prior relationship experiences, favorite movies, etc. I felt giddier every time I read another email. I lost track of time, and realized at 5:30am that it was probably time to go to bed. We exchanged phone numbers and I went to sleep with a huge smile on my face. I woke up for work not exhausted, but excited.

Throughout that first day, we texted each other constantly. The conversations were originally like, "I can't wait 'til you live down here" or "I'm so excited to move," but became, "there's no way I can wait that long, I'm going to come see you," and my asking, "how soon?"

This lasted two weeks. We talked on the phone every night, exchanged picture after picture, and generally fell for each other virtually. He had told me early on that he'd just broken up with a serious girlfriend (ie three weeks before the first night we talked, and by serious I mean they had been living together for a year) which is an obvious red flag, but he insisted that he'd been over it for months before they broke up, and had definitely moved on. I believed it.

We decided on St. Patrick's Day for his visit, and couldn't have been more excited. As we discussed his upcoming visit, our conversations had this underlying sense of, "that's when we're going to start dating." One night, he even told me to count 6 months from that day, September 17th, and write "6 months since I met Hughes" with a heart on my calendar. And I did. We had high hopes.

On the 16th I did my usual nervous/excited girl activities: got my hair and nails done, went tanning, gave myself a facial, cleaned my room top to bottom, and picked out a few potential outfit combinations. I could hardly sleep. I woke up hours before he'd be there, and spent tediously long getting ready. I wanted everything to be perfect! I'd made the mistake of telling all my friends and co-workers about it too; despite that whole "don't jinx it" philosophy. Ay.

So he pulled into my complex's parking lot in his souped-up yellow convertible (yeah, yeah, I know... another red flag. So sue me). As soon as I heard the rumble of his super-charged engine, my heart jumped out of my chest and I ran to the door. And there he was, 6'5", well-dressed, and almost as cute as I'd previously imagined. I ran downstairs and gave him a big hug, though he seemed kind of shy. Oh well, we are meeting for the first time, and he did just finish a 2-hour car ride in a tiny convertible, which is really just not fitting for his height, I thought.

He came up with me so I could get my purse, and we decided to walk around downtown. Already, all the bars were stuffed with drunk people doused in green beer. He still seemed really quiet. We decided it would be the most effective to go back to my house for a few drinks and then go out to the bars, so we wouldn't be ripped off quite as bad for drinks. On the way back we stopped at my work, and he met my co-workers, who seemed to really enjoy embarrassing me by telling him everything I'd told them about him.

When we reached my apartment, he was still really uncomfortable and quiet, now two hours deep into the visit. He seemed to be a bit better than he had been when he arrived, so I crossed my fingers that a few drinks would loosen him up a little. We went into the kitchen to make some drinks, and I pulled out the different kinds of liquor and juice I had so he could pick what he wanted. He chose, and then said, "oh I just remembered, I brought some pictures of my dog to show you, I left them in my car. I'll be right back."

So I stood there in the kitchen, mixing our drinks. A couple minutes later, I heard a really rumbly engine start, but I assured myself I was just being paranoid and refused to go out to look. But my heart was pounding. I knew I wasn't being crazy when out of my kitchen window, I saw his yellow convertible peel out of the driveway and take off for the freeway. I was in complete shock. For a second I reasoned with myself - maybe he needed to pee and was so uncomfortable around me that he wanted to sneak off somewhere. Or maybe he wanted to be sweet and go get me flowers. After a few seconds I came to my senses and realized that the douchebag had just peeled out of my day.

So I did what any normal person would do; I called him. He didn't pick up. I texted him, "what the hell?" He didn't respond. I called again. He'd turned his phone off. I quickly downed the two drinks I had mixed us and started crying. Not because he was the man of my dreams once I had met him (I mean honestly, I wasn't even sure how we were going to get through the day together), but because I had done something so awful that a guy would drive two hours to see me, and immediately turn around and drive back. And LIE about it! Honestly.

So I layed on my freshly-made bed, in my spotless room, wearing my cute green outfit and perfect makeup and manicured nails, and drank and cried 'til I fell asleep. I woke up hours later to some text messages from friends about going out, and out of them I chose Brent, who came and picked me up and we went out and got even more drunk and cabbed it back to his house after too many Irish Carbombs and some drunken, naked making out and rolling around in bed that invariably led to my playing a little flesh flute as it always did.

Anyway, back to the douche in the yellow convertible. I decided with sound resolve not to try to contact him again, but come March 18th, I awoke to a long-winded text message from him, and something to the effect of, "I am so sorry. I don't know why I did that to you. I realized I'm not over my ex, and I like you SO much and it just didn't feel right to be moving on that fast." (LAME.) So I wrote back something about lying and being an asshole about it, and he apologized again, and kept apologizing through text message for the next few days while I ignored them.

And ever since, every couple of months I'll get a random email or text message from him, that says, "I wish I had never left."



This world is full of fuckin' weirdos.

What a guy wants, what a guy needs...

A friend of mine is caught in a strange situation with her guy, and has been asking me advice.

Now usually I'm the go-to for guy-related questions, but for once I'm kind of at a loss.

So here's the sitch. (And maybe I should have "Asked Mason," but I digress.) She met this guy, and they totally hit it off. They had major chemistry, "got" each other, wanted to spend every waking second together, texted each other during the time they couldn't hang out (ie during work and sleeping time), etc. Everything was just dandy, up until about a week and a half ago.

All of a sudden, this dream dude seemed to disconnect himself. Where he used to call/write/email/text/smoke-signal her regularly, he now hardly seems to have the time to hang out with her or even think about her. At one point when they were first getting to know each other, he had told her that occasionally he goes through phases where he holes himself up in his room and hides from the world with video games and movies, and although it seems like he just wants to be alone, he's really looking for attention. As any girl knows, the worst thing you can do when a guy starts to pull back is come on stronger, but according to him, thats really what he's wishing for when he acts that way. So fast forward back to the present, where she's sitting on my couch moping around because her super sweet dream guy seems to be completely forgetting abotu her. Her feelings and desire to see him haven't changed, but he seems to feel completely differently.

Now her guy doesn't seem to be a bad person, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely rooting for the guy. He's funny, smart, outgoing, and seems really nice to her. And it isn't as though he's being an ass. He's still nice when they do talk or hang out, but as she described it, "it seems like the fire has died down to an ember." And after only a month and a half, we both agree the fire shouldn't have changed any yet.

They sat down and talked about it (I know, every guy's favorite activity) and he finally admitted that things seemed different to him too, and that it had come about the day he made her his girlfriend. Having that label apparently spooked him to a point of wanting to push the relationship far enough away to feel like a single guy again, despite the fact that he has self-proclaimed "super strong feelings" for her. According to her, they hardly ever see each other now, and she's lucky to hear from him once a day through text message or email.

I'm trying to be there for her, but I don't know what to tell her. She's a pretty tough cookie, and she's starting to feel like "if he isn't ready for me, then I'm moving on." We both agreed that their relationship was something really special, but she insists it just doesn't feel that way anymore.

What do you guys think? Is it doomed? Should she wait it out more? Is he looking for attention? Or will it be better in the long run for her to pull back too?

A Little Self-Reflection..... never a bad idea.

No pun intended.

Like you guys said, I need to think about what it is that I want; at least that way I can try to focus my energy/send it out into the universe, and hope it comes a-knockin' on my door. Yeah?

Ok, to start with the surface. Physically, I don't have one specific type, other than exceptionally good-looking. Ha. What does that mean? At least a few of the following, in my opinion.

• dark hair
• slim hips
• straight white teeth
• prominent noses (previously broken? i'm into the bump)
• strong jaw lines
• freckles
• long eyelashes
• nice, strong hands
• slim/skinny/toned
• stylish: edgy, indie, hipster, casual, Abercrombie or surfer-type style, laid-back

And more importantly, character.

• a servant's heart
• a lust for knowledge and wisdom
• an intelligent, quick sense of humor
• the ability to see the good in people and in all situations, a positive attitude
  
• a deep understanding of themselves, an open mind to understand me
• the heart of a child
• charisma, a strong presence
  
• someone who validates me, for who I am on all levels
• dedication to personal growth: spiritually, mentally, and emotionally
  
• ambition, a passion for what they do
• the desire to be unabashedly smitten, selectively
  
• honesty, someone who keeps their word and follows through
  
• most importantly, the ability to love without conditions

And y'all thought I was shallow. I really do have a big heart, underneath it all. Promise. Just have to find my matching puzzle piece.

And the quest continues...

A Symphony of Epiphanies

I needed this weekend to know that I really was ready to move on.

Amazing, after two years of endless heartbreak/recklessly wanting someone who "isn't sure" if I'm the right girl for him, I've realized that I don't think he's the right guy for me either, as much as I've tried to believe he was. It's time to let go.

It takes a lot of work sometimes to take your own advice. My mantra is always to live each day in the moment. Don't waste your time. Live each day in the moment! You never know how long you (or anyone else) has on this earth, so don't wait around for anything. This was always the reasoning I gave the Ex. "If you think you want to be with me again someday, why not now!? Life is too short to wait for another time!"

Rihanna says it best when she said that to me he's like a drug, and we both use each other, but in different ways. Some sad kind of gratification came from getting attention from him, no matter what the outcome. I spent the past two years believing that there was something I was lacking if he felt the need to look elsewhere. Maybe if I lose weight before I see him again? Maybe if I get a better job? Maybe if my relationship with my family was different? Maybe if I play harder to get, and then he'll be under the false pretense that I won't always be here waiting for him?

As much as he's known how it's affected me, he's always kept me at arms length, but close enough to be comfortable in the fact that if he can't find someone better, he can always go back to me. Any time it's seemed as though I'm moving on and getting over us, a quick yank on my leash has brought me right back. And no matter how much I've told myself, time and time again, that I was strong and resilient and independent, and wasn't going to let him affect me, he always has.

Recent discovery that I have the ability to have feelings for another person* made me wonder what it is that I've been waiting for. Why him? What is it about him that's made me want to wait the rest of my life for him? I love and care about him, but it finally clicked with me that I'm not his ideal mate. And the truth is, he's not my ideal mate either. This isn't my love story. We had some great times, and now they are some great memories. But those memories don't translate to a future the way I've always pushed for.

Clear as day, here it is: If after almost 4 years of being involved with each other (committed or otherwise), if he's not in love with me, he's not going to be.

Simple as that.


Not to say I didn't have a good weekend with him. We enjoy each other's company and are reallyrelaxed around each other, and we did a lot of fun things and ate a lot of great food. I'm glad he came because I had fun, and was able to gain some real-life perspective on the chapter in my life that is closing.

I knew going into it that there was a good chance my feelings would come flooding back, as they always do, as soon as I saw him, which they didn't. I also knew that if I spent all weekend thinking about someone different, it was a definite way to know that my heart isn't in it anymore.... which I did.

Excuse my French.... Fan-fucking-tastic! I have an overwhelming sense of relief and pride in myself.

I spent so much time waiting for the day that he would declare that he had "made a mistake" and mean it for real; so long hoping that one day he would realize I was really the person he was happiest with and that he didn't need to look anymore. And now I know that even if those feelings are genuine this time, it just comes down to too little, too late, and my heart isn't invested in it in the same way. He was super sweet this weekend, and I appreciate the nice dinners and fun things we did so much, but continuing on the way we have been isn't doing either one of us any favors, and nothing good is going to come out of it; now, or in the foreseeable future.

After driving him to the airport, I texted Erwin (aka the Mickey Mouse Man) to say I was on my way back and he asked me to have dinner with him. We had been texting each other during the weekend, and he's been telling me how much all of his friends want to meet me after what he told them, and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

As soon as I got back into town, he picked me up and we got some dinner (which ended up being a good two hour long meal because we had such a good conversation... and so nice to know that we like all the same things about each other, we have a LOT in common), rented a movie, and snuggled on my bed. Sigh.

*Before you get your panties in a twist: Erwin is not the REASON I was able to get over the Ex. Even if he and I never saw each other again, I would still be over the Ex. It's the fact that I am able to be totally into someone else that made me realize the Ex is not the only fish in the sea that I'll ever want to swim with.