A Lesson in Catastrophe

Sometimes relationships end in total disaster. And I'm not one to stereotype beyond reason, but there are some common mistakes that some of you make in relationships.... particularly girls.

I know, I know... I'm a girl. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like some of our population is giving a whole lot of us a very bad reputation. I'm referring, of course, to the "crazy girl."

You know the one; in the beginning she seems like a cool chick to hang out with. You start to feel a little weird when she starts showing up at your work all the time, but write it off as friendly, until the day you realize she figured out your voicemail password and has been checking your messages. Before you know it, you've got a "crazy girl" on your hands. I think we've all known one of 'em. (More on the "crazy girl" I've encountered later.)

Before I get into details, you'll need the background: On St. Patrick's Day, I went out one time with this guy Coors from OKCupid. It was fun and all, but not noteworthy or second date worthy. Just wasn't really any chemistry. It's important that you note the second comment on that post. (And also the three consecutive, yet different comments on this one.)

The comments were posted over two months after that one unmemorable time we hung out, and I hadn't talked to Coors since. But curiosity got the best of me, and I had to ask what on earth he'd done to this girl to cause so much resentment, so I IMed him. Initially, he wasn't sure who the girl was. He came to the conclusion that it was a girl he'd been seeing and had hung out with a few times, and was (as far as he knew) getting along just fine with her. He told me about the few dates they had in detail (and trust me, I asked every question I could think of), and neither of us could figure out what she was so pissed off about. He said he wasn't going to tell her he'd seen the comments, since he knew she'd laugh it off or have an excuse anyway.

Sure enough, about a week later she sent me an email apologizing for being "dumb" and explaining that she was joking. We exchanged a few emails about what had brought them about, and when she told me that he couldn't "communicate" and she wanted to talk about what they were and if they were in a relationship (eek, after hanging out a few times?) I suggested she just relax and enjoy where it was going instead of over-analyzing it. She wrote back a few emails that I didn't respond to, one of which being something along the lines of, "I hear you keep texting and IMing him, lay off my boyfriend." Funny, since I'd IMed him only that once. I shrugged it off and forgot all about it.

A few months went by, and their messy interaction was the farthest thing from my mind. Then a few weeks ago, as I was checking my email, a G-Chat window appeared from our leading lady. In a complete panic, she begged me to IM him and ask him to talk to her, because apparently they'd gotten in an argument and he had blocked her on Instant Messenger. (Pretty immature, but the guy has the right to talk to, or not talk to, whoever he wants.) I refused of course. I like to think I'm far more reasonable than to get involved in some crazy girl's dilemmas.

She gave me a frantic recap of their fight, and told me how she was so in love with him but he was totally unable to talk about his feelings and communicate with her. So I started asking her what it was about him that she DID like, and she couldn't really pinpoint anything other than the fact that he was the first serious relationship she'd been in for awhile and that she'd slept with him within a week of meeting him. Fabulous. Although I refused to get involved in the chaos between the two of them, I gave her plenty of really tough love. Hey, the girl was talking to me because I write about dating advice. Why not give her what she came here for?

She pleaded with me to talk to him on her behalf, and I finally told her I had to go. I said I'd like to write about the conversation we had, because I think that it's a terrific example of mistakes that girls commonly make, ie coming on WAY WAY too strong.
(Ever heard the soap analogy? The harder you squeeze, the quicker it'll fly right out of your hand.) She panicked and begged me not to.

When I check my email that night, I had the following email from her:
hey go ahead and write the blog..u can even use our names if you would like. he ended up texting me and telling me how hott i was and that he was sorry then i was like ok well can we talk then he says no go fuck yourself. so im done with him and i have a date with another guy tommorow night.


Wow. Really? Thats impressive. So one minute you're obsessively in love with him, then you're calm and want to discuss things, then he tells you to go fuck yourself for no apparent reason at all (totally out of the blue, right?), and now you have a date lined up. How can anyone keep up with that rollercoaster?

Hey girlie,

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to chat. I ended things with (Coors). I did realize that he was not the guy I wanted to be with.. it was more of the fact that I really liked being with SOMEONE because of the comfort level. It is weird because we ended on a bad note but I am not sad or upset or anything. Maybe just a little bummed which is normal after ANY break up. I actually went out on an amazing date with an amazing guy that i went on a date with about a month ago...so we will see if anything comes from that but I am extremely attracted to him....as for (Coors) ..not so much! Anyways just wanted to fill you in and say thank you!

- Kristen

Wait. You're telling me you're now (less than 24 hours later) totally at peace with the situation, and now you've met a new guy to latch onto? Not only that, but you went on a date with him a month ago (WHILE you were in a relationship that you were desperate to make very serious)? And now you're trying to tell me you weren't attracted to Coors? Unbelievable.

Do you see what I mean? I can't say every girl is like this. I can't even say that every "crazy girl" is like this. But damn, girl. You give meaning to the commonly heard phrase from guys all over the globe; "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

I wouldn't be either!

Footnote: I emailed him a few days ago, when I rejoined OKCupid (after having deleted it upon meeting/falling quickly for Erwin) and saw he was still on there. I asked, "so, meet any new crazies lately?" He wrote back and told me that she had been making up fake screen names pretending to be me, and kept IMing him trying to trick him into talking to her.

No, I'm serious.


Girls: STOP BEING CRAZIES! Jeez la weez. I know its easy to get so upset and hurt over a guy that you feel like you need to talk to him, but please do not resort to psychotic behavior. You are making the rest of us look bad!

Boys: We are not all like this. NOT AT ALL. So get over your fears of "relationships" and start being open to meeting open, honest, and stable women. :) You never know who you're passing up!

Come Here Often?

Interesting ways people have found my blog...

Some of these inquiries make me feel bad, because what they're searching for isn't actually in here. So let's take a second to answer some of your questions, shall we?

1. 6 month anniversary email
• I'd normally start it out with how you felt when you two first met, and end it with how far you've come. Sprinkle in a few good times you've had, and sign it with your pet name. Works every time.
• p.s. Why are you writing her an email for Christ's sakes? Take her out to dinner or something.
  
2. something cute for 6 month anniversary
• How 'bout a nice little weekend getaway to your hometown? Has he met your family yet?
• Or.... the scandalous answer would be a bj in a new piece of lingerie. That one never fails.
• This question depends on what kind of anniversary it is... are you two dating? Have you been married for 6 months? My friend just had her 6 month wedding anniversary and got her husband the game Rock Band. I think it all depends on your level of intimacy/awesomeness.
  
3. what a guy wants in a relationship
• On the surface, it's going to look like he wants guaranteed head and someone to pick him up when he gets too bombed to drive home, but guys are really not as different from girls as we tend to think they are. They want to be loved, taken care of, and appreciated, just like us.
  
• This also depends on where he's at in his life. Does he want a RELATIONSHIP? Or a ....relationship...? Think about it.
  
4. boyfriend questionnaire
5. okcupid date
• Generally, a bad idea. 'Nough said.
  
6. the peach random gentle love master (rglm)
• Grow some cajones.
  
7. picking up girls on okcupid
• See number 5, please.
  
8. Kazakhstan
9. happy two months love text message
• If (s)he just said "I love you" for the first time, and it was a text message, I wouldn't recommend it goes a day past two months.
• Crap. I've done that before. Additional piece of wisdom: Don't text when you've been drinking.
  
10. eyelid mole images
• Sorry, couldn't find a good one. But this picture appears for google image searches on eyelid moles, and I thought it was creepy enough to post. (Whatever it is that she's holding hands with, that relationship is doomed for so many reasons. There is a fine line between open-minded and desperate, don't you forget it.)
  
11. okcupid personality awards
• ... are bullshit if you ask me. But I guess no one really wants to think they're greedy.
  
12. girls from kazakhstan
• Really?
  
13. when a guy pull away you can move on
• "Advice is what you ask for when you know the answer but can't accept it." You've got it, sista'. Can, and should.
  
14. dating her 6 month anniversary
• I'm starting to wonder why people are so dang frazzled over the whole 6 month anniversary situation. Would it help if you pretended it was 5 months?
  
15. best ways to date
• Be nice. Shower first. Chew with your mouth closed. Say thank you. And do not, under any circumstances, talk more about your mom/ex-girlfriend than you do about her.
  
16. dating my new
• I wish I knew what the last word was supposed to be. Any ideas?
  

Geeks of the World..... Unite!

Ok, maybe that's a bit vague. Let's stick with Geeks in the LA area.

I will be attending the monthly Geek Dinner at Canter's Deli tomorrow, to mix and mingle with LA's finest computer nerds and internet aficionados. So if any of you other awesome bloggers out there plan on attending, let me know!

And on the note of being nerdily into the interent... exciting news for today! A Date In The Life... is now has its own, independent, even more awesome domain name! I'll admit it. I get pretty excited about this stuff.



And of course.... Happy St. Patty's Day. Please have fun and be SAFE!




And yes, I really am.

In my usual fashion, I will be celebrating this joyous holiday on a date (drinking a few too many free green beer and Irish Carbombs) with a guy named Coors, a marketing professional from OKCupid who turns out to live about 200 feet from me. What are the chances? Eh. We'll see. Not to say there aren't people I'd rather be spending it with.

Crushing dreams, one frumpy unmarried cat lady at a time.

Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

College Co-Ed runs 300-guy train to celebrate Valentine's Day

But only on Speeddate.com!

Seriously though, folks. You didn't really think I'd post about gangbang porn, did you?


According to the LA Times Web Scout blog, this college co-ed named Francesca Salcido decided to go on 300 online speed dates (as mentioned in my Speed Dating In Bed post back in December) for Valentine's Day. An honorable endeavor, if you ask me.

Had I known she was doing that, though, I obviously would have made plans to try and out-do this dating diva, instead of what I ended up doing, which was spending time with a group of real people. Nothing too notable... a few drinks with some friends (nothing personal guys, I did have a great time with you), but at least a little genuine human interaction. And as much as I can sit here and pretend to laugh about this girl's idea, I secretly wish I had thought of it first.


Something about this story makes me feel both fiercely competitive and also like I just found my kindered spirit. Maybe someday we'll be friends.


I wonder how it went?

(OK)Cupid has perfected his aim

I'm not going to lie to you guys.... A great majority of the guys on OKCupid are just not... exactly my cup of tea. Not that there's anything wrong with them, and for whatever reason there are tons of exceptionally intelligent/well-spoken guys on there (or at least guys who can write well), and a few that aren't too bad to look at as well. There are a few I've exchanged some good emails with, and two that I exchange texts or instant messages with sometimes. But honestly, none have really captured my attention. (I'm starting to wonder if I'm just exceedingly picky [that's rhetorical, by the way]).

And granted, I am looking for somewhat of the perfect person (more on that another time, I was thinking maybe I could focus my energy on finding it better if I can narrow in down in print), but looking on the internet, at least according to my friends, is the last place I'll ever find it.

I'll have you know that I meet people everywhere, not just online. I'm not lacking social skills, I'm not introverted in the least bit, I'm not insecure, and I enjoy meeting people. Heck, I even like public speaking (The #2 fear in the United States, second only to burning to death... hard to believe) which a lot of times is what introducing yourself to a perfect stranger feels like.

Anyway, to make this long rant just a little bit shorter, I've succumbed to OKCupid's lure basically just because of the quizzes. I like that they "know" me to some degree, and I like getting personality awards on my profile (though I don't agree with "More Greedy"... assholes). Occasionally I like to search through my "matches" (really... if you could only see most of them) just to see if there's actually someone I can picture spending time around without laughing (at, not with).

WELL! Last night, another late night conversation with the ex (more on that another time, if I ever find out he isn't reading this anymore) kept me up way past my bedtime.. I'm talking like 3 in the morning. Searching through dozens of engineering students, Dungeons and Dragons fans, and mama's boys, I was about to give up and go to sleep finally when someone caught my eye.

First off, hot. Not that that's all that matters, but initially online.... give me a break. Read his profile.... 25, really smart, very well spoken, local, great job. Look at his additional pictures.... even cuter that I thought originally, fantastic smile, sexy build, two dogs. Plus we're an 80% match. Not bad at all.

At this point I'm literally sitting here at my desk, swooning. What a spectacle that would have been. I hit Send Message... I start typing, realize I sound like an idiot. Start over. Play it cool? Tell him he's adorable? Stroke his ego? Point out of common interests? Use big vocab?

I finally settle for a little bit of spice and a little bit of sugar and send it off into the universe. And then sit there, wondering if I've said the wrong thing. And then wonder how many girls must message him a day. And then check, and find that he is getting hundreds of profile views. And then come to terms with my message getting lost in a sea of unfortunate looking ex-colorguards with a taste for anime, and it really doesn't matter if I said the right thing or not because he's never going to read it.

So I put it out of my mind and go back to my conversation with the ex. Minutes later, I hear a bell indicating that I have an incoming IM on OKCupid. I look. It's him.... Let's call him Scott.

He asks if I'm really up that late also, I tell him yes, and he tells me he appreciates my email, that it was really sweet. (Sweet.... great.) Then he tells me I'm really cute myself (ooh!), and is really tired but can't wait to talk to me again (aww!). He asks me a few questions, clearly having read my whole profile, and is really funny and nice. So we say goodnight, and then I smile for like 20 nerdy minutes over having talked to some guy who's voice I haven't even heard yet.

Ugh! I'm such a dork!

Rich Guys, Pt II

Thinking you've found "the one" before you've met said "one" really only sets you up for a healthy dose of disappointment, I've found.

As I've mentioned before in my post Rich Guys and Kelly Clarkson, I playfully signed up for a website called Millionaire Match, which has all kinds of people, but more importantly rich, handsome, entrepreneurial ones (what could be better, I ask). The interesting thing about the site is that when you sign up for it, it asks if you make over $150 grand a year. If you say no, you are grouped in the non-millionaire club and there is nothing on your profile related to income. If you say that you make $150+, you are asked to specify (the max category they offer is $1Billion a year, but I have yet to see one of those profiles). For those wealthy members that want to obliterate any shred of doubt, there is a Certified Millionaire option, where they can fax in their W4s from the previous year to verify that they do, in fact, make as much money as they claim they do. These members receive a sparkling ruby emblem on their profile next to their yearly income.


And after exchanging a few lighthearted emails with the hot Persian fashion mogul I mentioned in Rich Guys, we decided we were going to hang out. We spent a few weeks texting for days and spending hours on the phone chatting and laughing, and it seemed clear that we had chemistry. I found him on the pompous side (his entire profile is quoted directly from Zoolander.... as in "I'm sure there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking"... you know what I mean) and he makes a lot of comments like "try not to daydream about me too much," but I took them with a grain of salt and figured he had a healthy sense of humor. Plus, in his pictures he looks like he actually is ridiculously good-looking. And to make matters better, he's under 30, is totally intelligent, makes me laugh like crazy, and is certified as making $1Million+ a year. Not bad.

The day finally came to hang out with the hot Persian fashion mogul (or Zoolander, as he will now be referred to) and I was beyond nervous. I spent the day shopping for new clothes (they had to at least look expensive... he's not only rich beyond reason but also owns a clothing company for God's sakes), getting my nails done, tanning, exfoliating, deep conditioning, moisturizing, and so on. Forget any flaws he might have; I wanted to seem as flawless as possible, since on paper this guy was just that.

I told him that I was going to meet up with an old friend for a little while before we hung out, which he said was totally fine as he'd be getting home from the gym and showering at that point. As it turned out, my old friend likes to talk a lot (I guess I had forgotten that part) and our one drink turned into a long-ass dinner. Except that I didn't eat anything but a bloody mary because me and Zoo were supposed to eat at some chic new restaurant in Weho, so I sat there wishing he would eat faster and staring at his delicious-looking mashed potatoes. I texted Zoolander a few times, apologizing profusely for my tardiness, but he assured me it was no problem at all. I finally got out of there and rushed over to his hot Hollywood home, now 45 minutes late.

The directions he gave me were clear, and he described his house as the one with a lot of lights and a yellow Corvette in the driveway. He was right; of the whole street, his house was by far the most well-lit, which showcased an amazing modern style concrete porch area sitting proudly in front of a three story house and beautiful landscape. And the yellow Corvette was not the only flashy car in his long driveway.... only the brightest. I knocked on the door, shaking a bit and trying to breathe deeply.

When he opened it, I was actually relieved to see he wasn't as perfect as I imagined. He stood at about 5'8" and had a big nose and a white blazer over a blue shirt. He was extremely welcoming though, and after asking for it gave me a little tour of his house. It was very lightly furnished; he told me he hadn't lived there long and was remodeling it. He showed me his kitchen (my favorite part of any house) and it was surprisingly small. I found a small Menorah in a glass cabinet. "Are you Jewish?" "Only on holidays," he told me. He took me upstairs and showed me his rec room, music room, art room, lofts, and finally his master bedroom - complete with the most gigantic, mahogany 4-poster bed, which he said he got in an auction of late 16th century royal furniture. I tried not to act too impressed. We went back downstairs.

The one thing I couldn't take my eyes off of, though, was a wall-sized painting of the famous moment when Britney Spears and Madonna kissed on stage at the MTV VMA's. I asked about it, and he told me he painted it, along with a few ocean scenes hanging in the kitchen that also closely resembled photographs. Impressive! He said he was working on a collection of important moments in Pop Culture.... sexy.

I sat down in his living room in front of his 50" Flat Panel Plasma TV hanging on the wall to watch some music videos while he made us drinks and called a cab. We chatted and drank until it arrived. He said it seemed a bit late for dinner but we should go out for some drinks and maybe an appetizer. As much as I had been totally starving, I had already started to get my buzz on and had pretty much lost my appetite anyway.

We got in the cab and sped off to the Sofitel's Stone Rose Lounge, a totally swanking hotel bar that was packed with good-looking LA socialites. He asked if they were still serving appetizers - the cocktail waitress said they had closed the kitchen an hour ago. He handed her something, and asked, "are you sure?" She scurried off and came back with good news. We ordered some crab thing (I was too drunk at this point to really care about reading the menu) and got a table. We sat intimately close, which somehow seemed comfortable already. There was just something about him I connected to. It didn't have anything to do with what he does or what he has, but there's just something about him that puts me at ease.

We laughed about how we had come about the Millionaire site; my story paled in comparison to his: Running on the treadmill at the gym next to Tommy Lee (yes, THE Tommy Lee) working on his laptop simultaneously, he told him he thought that was a great idea to bring a laptop to the gym. "I'm on this website, its amazing. You gotta join it," Tommy told him. Millionaire Match, no less. He was sold. (And so am I!)

Our crab thing came and it turned out to be A-MAZING... some totally rich crab/mayo mix on top of sticky rice and stuff, but he wouldn't eat any of it. "Oh my god," I said, "You don't eat shellfish. Why didn't you say something??" Duh. He's Jewish. I'm an idiot. He took a few bites and mmm-ed a little bit to make me feel better. I ate a few more bites and left the rest.

After a few more impressive speciality martinis we headed outside to a glass firepit and continued our conversation. The thing I found most surprising about him was that his cockiness (in jest or not) totally disappeared in person. He seemed completely humbled, and come to think of it, sort of in awe of me. Not that I think I deserve that kind of reaction, but it was certainly nice coming from someone that I was totally intimidated by prior to our meeting.

We got up to leave (I a little unbalanced no less) and he took my hand. Almost outside he stopped and turned to me, and leaned in close. "There's just... something about you... something I'm drawn to, I feel like I can't get enough of you." My heart raced. I smiled and played it cool. He kissed me. My heart raced faster. I kissed back. We pulled away and smiled at each other close.

We practically skipped out to the front, giddy in our newly discovered intimacy. He asked a doorman for a cab, and tipped him when it pulled up. He told the cabbie his address and made out in the backseat like teenagers for a few blocks. He pulled away suddenly, and sat straight up. "Why are you taking Santa Monica," he asked sternly. The cabbie explained he couldn't turn around on the street we'd been on. He pushed. "We could have taken Robertson, why didn't we take Robertson?" They argued back and forth 'til we pulled up to his house. He paid and we walked inside.

"Was that guy trying to stiff me??"

I wasn't sure how to respond. Was he really that concerned with a few extra dollars? Even I wouldn't have given it a second thought, and with my monthly salary being less than what he makes in a single day, I couldn't understand his frustration.

"No... I don't think so. It sounded like he had a reason to go that way."

He insisted he was trying to pull a fast one on him. I suggested that maybe he had a family at home he was struggling to take care of. He told me that wasn't his problem. After a few minutes of this, I tried to reason with him.

"Do you realize how many seconds it takes you to make $3?"

That seemed to calm him down. He made us some more drinks and we cozied up on the couch and made out playfully 'til the wee hours of the morning. I told him I had to leave, he asked me if I wanted to stay. He was worried about my driving after having had quite a few drinks and being tired.

I was so concerned with not staying at his house that I convinced not only him, but myself, that I would be just fine to make the trip home. We made out for the next 20 minutes, slowly inching our way to the door, where we said a sad goodbye and I got in my car and took off, only to realize that I was definitely too drunk to be driving.

(Sidenote: I do NOT under any circumstances condone drunk driving. In fact, I am extremely against it and am always 100% willing to pick up my friends anywhere in the middle of the night, no matter how late. This was a mistake all the way, and one that I won't make again!)

I tried to turn around and go back to his house so I could stay the night, but was lost in a matter of minutes. I drove around for two hours before I was able to find my way to the freeway to get out of LA, and another hour on the freeway back to my house.

Upon arriving home, I burst into tears, never so relieved to be alive.


On a happier note, other than the totally obvious display of awful stereotypical behavior (and I HATE stereotyping) during the second cab ride, I think it was a pretty successful date. He's out of town for a month, but I guess we'll see what happens when he gets back!

I'm not much into clowns.

Finally starting to get over this damn cold (10 days? Really?) I decided to go out with this guy Dave, that found me on OkCupid, who's been hounding me all week for a "coffee" date or something. So cliche, no? Oh well.. not every guy can be blessed with a creative spirit, and he wasn't taking no for an answer, so when I finally got my voice back last night, I agreed to hang out tomorrow, aka this evening.

Not much in the mood for coffee, I redirected the date to the area of dinner - he suggested my very favorite restaurant Memphis (what a lucky guess!) and we met there. I'd seen some pictures of him and thought he was sort of cute; he turned out to be more attractive than I expected (always a nice surprise) and pretty tall. Boring haircut and outfit aside, he has big blue eyes and a charmingly vulnerable smile which gets me every time. We sat down at our table and started talking, and the more we talked the more I realized I hadn't the slightest clue what he did or who he was. The embarrassing part was that he had told me but I guess I've been talking to too many different guys because I have no recollection of the email exchange. Oops!

Anyway, apparently he's some big deal engineer for a local company that makes some really crazy new barcode system, and on the side he buys electronics, refurbishes, sells them, and makes a grip off the difference. Cute, smart, and entrepreneurial? Bring it on.

Though he was a math major in college (which he went to in Canada, where he's from) he actually had pretty impressive social skills, and I only ate a bit of my dinner (cornmeal crusted catfish and dirty rice.... pinch me) because our conversation was flowin' as smoothly as my martinis were going down. So far so good!

Once the bill was paid (which he took care of immediately... sexy) he told me he wasn't ready for the date to be over, I giggled, and he suggested one of my favorite late night spots down the street for a few drinks.

When we got there it was packed but we found a cozy table in the corner, and sat huddled together with our drinks, chatting. The more buzzed I got the more I realized that this date was actually going REALLY well.... like, I really like him! This never happens! We had a lot in common, he was totally interested in everything I had to say, and likewise, he's funny, he makes great eye contact (Girls and Boys: This is incredibly important if you want to come off as confident and comfortable, which you DO) and is super positive about life.

He asked me what my longest relationship was, I told him almost two years. He asked how long ago was that? I said about a year and a half ago. I asked when his last relationship was... his smile dropped and eyes darted away. Uh oh. He told me he didn't like to talk about it much. I pried.

"...10 years ago," he told me. I was buzzed but I did the math.... let's see... he's 28... "You haven't had a girlfriend since you were EIGHTEEN? WHY??"

He went on to tell me that he just couldn't figure it out. He'd meet girls, invite them out, sometimes they would say yes, they'd have at least an ok time, and they'd never hang out again. My crazy-dude radar started to beep annoyingly.

I pressed snooze.

I thought it sounded like a good idea to head back to his townhouse (which he owns, cool) to watch Flight of the Conchords, because nothing beats my two favorite New Zealanders. So funny. So sexy.

He changed into his pajamas and we got onto his bed. Ok, wait. Before I start, you have to visualize the layout of the situation.

Basically, we're laying on his bed, watching tv. During a commercial, he looks over and me with this really cute vulnerable look in his eye, and goes in for a kiss. He's a great kisser! I'm excited! We're kissing, we're happy, we're totally vibing on each other.

The show comes back on and I pull away and get back to watching... always playing the interested and then slightly-disinterested and then interested again card, works every time. (If you haven't read the Art of Seduction yet, DO.)

Except, ALAS! Our three minute makeout sesh has proved QUITE the turn-on for Dave, who is now sporting a more impressive tent than the Ringling Bros "Best Show on Earth," or whatever.... I'm not much into circuses anyway.

(More epic than this)

As you can see from my diagram, said tent-poppage is in my DIRECT line of vision, and seeing as he clearly hadn't taken any notice of the fact that I had noticed, I felt even more awkward. So here I am, laying there, and trying to look ANYWHERE but the TV. I check my phone. I send a text message. I ask him about the photography on the wall.

(Sidenote: Don't get me wrong, people. Being a girl in her early 20's with the libido of a bunny, I have no problem with boner. In fact, I like boner. I'm flattered by boner. Boner means fun things are to come. It means progress. It means we're in business. All fun aside, though, I'm still an old-fashioned girl and this was just not the appropriate time for boner. It was clear to both of us.)

(Sidenote #2: The good news is he's clearly packing some serious heat... there wasn't much left to the imagination.)

After the longest 45 seconds of my life, I heard him gasp and roll over uncomfortably, rigid with embarrassment. Maybe the track pants were a poor choice, my friend. "Do you want something to drink??" He jumps up and crosses awkwardly diagonally in front of the bed towards the fridge as to not display his obscene profile. Upon arriving at said fridge, he opens it and stands in it. "Is it hot in here?! It feels hot. Are you hot??"

I accepted a Vitamin Water and we layed there watching Flight of the Conchords and probably both wishing we could sink into the bed and disappear. Eventually after it wore off (which took literally like... 10 minutes. You would think the embarrassment/shame that was written all over his face would help calm things down? Guess not) I yawned and said I better go. He walked me out and gave me a less warm/comfortable hug than he welcomed me with.


I can't imagine what a second date would be like, but I can definitely say that he better not wear pajama pants next time. I wonder if this happens with all the other girls?

... Such is life.

Rich guys and Kelly Clarkson.

One of my favorite ways to spend a day off is to sit at home at the dining room table with my roommate. I think it's one of those "you'd have to be there" things, but we sit around on our laptops, watching tv and iming each other links to funny things.

Today was no exception. We've spent many a day off (and some evenings into the wee early hours of the morning when bottles of wine are involved) signing up for dating sights, only to find that the others enrolled are some of the most unattractive and socially-stunted people possible... unless you're into bottom feeder types. We basically spend most of this time sending each other links to the worst profiles we can find.

So we're sitting there, with Tila Tequila on in the background (why does she get a Shot of Love? She's a hoebag in the body of an 11 year old Asian girl) and my roommate somehow stumbles upon a website called "Millionaire Match."

Now, boys and girls, before you get your lacy underthings in a bunch, I wouldn't date someone just because they were rolling in dough. However, I am human. And I'm a girl. And I'm 23. And there is definitely some allure to dating some wealthy, handsome entrepreneur who wants to sweep me off my feet in his Maserati and whisk me away to Monaco. I'm just saying.

So of course, we did as we usually do, and signed the hell up for this thing.

Now, just like you I'm sure, I was expecting to find nothing but old, unattractive, married pervs who were looking for a "sugar baby" or whatever other sickening name you might use to describe a girlfriend who you pay to love you. But what I found completely shocked me.

I can't tell you how many especially good looking, positive, funny, intelligent, very wealthy, and NEARBY guys are on this thing! It's unbelievable. So we start browsing through these profiles and find MORE than enough guys to decide that this website is right up our alley.

I've found around 10 totally stellar guys who I "winked" at.... the website only allows you to initiate email conversations if you are a "premium" member (and I make it a policy to NEVER pay for an online dating website, that's just a whole new level), and a few of them have already emailed back. A male underwear model, a hot Persian Fashion mogul, an adorable blue eyed Psychiatrist working at the UCLA medical center... I could go on. And they're all under 32!

Pinch me?

All the while, we're listening (/belting) to Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent." Oh the irony.

Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm

Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no

Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne

So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love

(Chorus)
What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true

(Verse 2)
Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no

But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love

So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love

(Bridge)
When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen

P.S. I would just like to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been spreading the word about my blog.... I went from around 7 hits a day to 97 already today! You guys are awesome, I really appreciate it. Muah muah muah!

....

Hi! Thanks for stumbling upon my blog.

I’m your average 23 year old girl living in Southern California. I like going to the beach, shopping, eating sushi, reading celebrity gossip magazines… and all that other nonsense girls my age tend to do with their time. I’m really outgoing and love to go out because I tend to meet people wherever I go. I love to people watch and analyze body language, and I’m probably the biggest flirt that I know.

I do have this one kind of embarrassing habit though…

Before I get into that, the backstory is that I’ve always been a little boycrazy. Well maybe a bit more than a little. From the time I was in 3rd grade, I’ve always had some major, all-consuming crush on some shy, unassuming boy. What started with running around the blacktop trying to kick Timmy Slevin (a not-so-stealthy attempt to get his attention) has blossomed over the past 15 years into what some might consider a total addiction to the entire male population. But I like to think it could be worse.

When it comes down to it though, what I’m really addicted to is dating.

I wasn’t always like this. I had a few serious boyfriends between my high school and college years. Nothing really serious ever evolved out of them… until one day when I met the boy of my dreams (I thought) and fell head over heels in love with him.

Two years later, after 24 straight months of the I-feel-like-I’m-floating-on-a-cloud kind of love, he dumped me. There are no words to express how upside down my life felt. He’d gone to the trouble of detailing romantic ideas about how we were going to get engaged in a year, married in two, settle down, start our family, and live happily ever after… he loved to talk about it, and I loved just as much to listen to it. I fell for every word and really believed that I’d found the love of my life.

As it turned out, he was lying out of his ass (as men often do…. Sorry guys, but its just statistics) and I was left in a crumpled pile of damp tissues and self pity. And it changed me.

Somehow, that event has led me to believe that there really is a Prince Charming out there somewhere, that is sitting on his white horse waiting patiently for me to find him so we can ride off into the sunset.

Here’s where that habit comes in: I’ve become kind of a serial dater.

My friends would all tell you that I date way more than any one person should. Because I’ve developed this constant need for a steady flow of dates, I’ve broadened my horizons on where to find them. Many of my dates come from posting personals ads online (gotta love http://www.craigslist.org/), some come from work, others are mutual friends, a few even come from the grocery store. Whatever it is that happened on that painful July afternoon last year has given me some heart-shaped glasses and 20/20 vision… and my eyes are always open.

I realized eventually, after spending countless hours on the phone recounting the details of my dates (and very often, disasters) to my ever-so-patient friends, I needed to start documenting this stuff. Who knows… maybe someone out there can learn from my mistakes (and victories… if I ever have one).

So here goes. I’ll try to give even the juiciest details, though to protect the innocent, I will never use full names (sorry Timmy Slevin… oops that’s twice!). But other than that, I’ll give you as much info as I can muster.

Feel free to comment and share your opinions, I know you got ‘em.

Stay tuned… there’s plenty to come!