A Lesson in Catastrophe

Sometimes relationships end in total disaster. And I'm not one to stereotype beyond reason, but there are some common mistakes that some of you make in relationships.... particularly girls.

I know, I know... I'm a girl. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like some of our population is giving a whole lot of us a very bad reputation. I'm referring, of course, to the "crazy girl."

You know the one; in the beginning she seems like a cool chick to hang out with. You start to feel a little weird when she starts showing up at your work all the time, but write it off as friendly, until the day you realize she figured out your voicemail password and has been checking your messages. Before you know it, you've got a "crazy girl" on your hands. I think we've all known one of 'em. (More on the "crazy girl" I've encountered later.)

Before I get into details, you'll need the background: On St. Patrick's Day, I went out one time with this guy Coors from OKCupid. It was fun and all, but not noteworthy or second date worthy. Just wasn't really any chemistry. It's important that you note the second comment on that post. (And also the three consecutive, yet different comments on this one.)

The comments were posted over two months after that one unmemorable time we hung out, and I hadn't talked to Coors since. But curiosity got the best of me, and I had to ask what on earth he'd done to this girl to cause so much resentment, so I IMed him. Initially, he wasn't sure who the girl was. He came to the conclusion that it was a girl he'd been seeing and had hung out with a few times, and was (as far as he knew) getting along just fine with her. He told me about the few dates they had in detail (and trust me, I asked every question I could think of), and neither of us could figure out what she was so pissed off about. He said he wasn't going to tell her he'd seen the comments, since he knew she'd laugh it off or have an excuse anyway.

Sure enough, about a week later she sent me an email apologizing for being "dumb" and explaining that she was joking. We exchanged a few emails about what had brought them about, and when she told me that he couldn't "communicate" and she wanted to talk about what they were and if they were in a relationship (eek, after hanging out a few times?) I suggested she just relax and enjoy where it was going instead of over-analyzing it. She wrote back a few emails that I didn't respond to, one of which being something along the lines of, "I hear you keep texting and IMing him, lay off my boyfriend." Funny, since I'd IMed him only that once. I shrugged it off and forgot all about it.

A few months went by, and their messy interaction was the farthest thing from my mind. Then a few weeks ago, as I was checking my email, a G-Chat window appeared from our leading lady. In a complete panic, she begged me to IM him and ask him to talk to her, because apparently they'd gotten in an argument and he had blocked her on Instant Messenger. (Pretty immature, but the guy has the right to talk to, or not talk to, whoever he wants.) I refused of course. I like to think I'm far more reasonable than to get involved in some crazy girl's dilemmas.

She gave me a frantic recap of their fight, and told me how she was so in love with him but he was totally unable to talk about his feelings and communicate with her. So I started asking her what it was about him that she DID like, and she couldn't really pinpoint anything other than the fact that he was the first serious relationship she'd been in for awhile and that she'd slept with him within a week of meeting him. Fabulous. Although I refused to get involved in the chaos between the two of them, I gave her plenty of really tough love. Hey, the girl was talking to me because I write about dating advice. Why not give her what she came here for?

She pleaded with me to talk to him on her behalf, and I finally told her I had to go. I said I'd like to write about the conversation we had, because I think that it's a terrific example of mistakes that girls commonly make, ie coming on WAY WAY too strong.
(Ever heard the soap analogy? The harder you squeeze, the quicker it'll fly right out of your hand.) She panicked and begged me not to.

When I check my email that night, I had the following email from her:
hey go ahead and write the blog..u can even use our names if you would like. he ended up texting me and telling me how hott i was and that he was sorry then i was like ok well can we talk then he says no go fuck yourself. so im done with him and i have a date with another guy tommorow night.


Wow. Really? Thats impressive. So one minute you're obsessively in love with him, then you're calm and want to discuss things, then he tells you to go fuck yourself for no apparent reason at all (totally out of the blue, right?), and now you have a date lined up. How can anyone keep up with that rollercoaster?

Hey girlie,

Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to chat. I ended things with (Coors). I did realize that he was not the guy I wanted to be with.. it was more of the fact that I really liked being with SOMEONE because of the comfort level. It is weird because we ended on a bad note but I am not sad or upset or anything. Maybe just a little bummed which is normal after ANY break up. I actually went out on an amazing date with an amazing guy that i went on a date with about a month ago...so we will see if anything comes from that but I am extremely attracted to him....as for (Coors) ..not so much! Anyways just wanted to fill you in and say thank you!

- Kristen

Wait. You're telling me you're now (less than 24 hours later) totally at peace with the situation, and now you've met a new guy to latch onto? Not only that, but you went on a date with him a month ago (WHILE you were in a relationship that you were desperate to make very serious)? And now you're trying to tell me you weren't attracted to Coors? Unbelievable.

Do you see what I mean? I can't say every girl is like this. I can't even say that every "crazy girl" is like this. But damn, girl. You give meaning to the commonly heard phrase from guys all over the globe; "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

I wouldn't be either!

Footnote: I emailed him a few days ago, when I rejoined OKCupid (after having deleted it upon meeting/falling quickly for Erwin) and saw he was still on there. I asked, "so, meet any new crazies lately?" He wrote back and told me that she had been making up fake screen names pretending to be me, and kept IMing him trying to trick him into talking to her.

No, I'm serious.


Girls: STOP BEING CRAZIES! Jeez la weez. I know its easy to get so upset and hurt over a guy that you feel like you need to talk to him, but please do not resort to psychotic behavior. You are making the rest of us look bad!

Boys: We are not all like this. NOT AT ALL. So get over your fears of "relationships" and start being open to meeting open, honest, and stable women. :) You never know who you're passing up!

DTR, Part 2 (+3+4+5)

I know, I know... I'm such a lagger.


Monday

Mason had gotten back on Sunday, so Monday we decided to have sushi and beers. He picked me up again (and yes, as he said I normally don't like to have a guy pick me up the first time if I don't know him well; never know when he's going to turn out to be a creepfest.... but once I know he's not, I love it when he picks me up), and we went over to the sushi place that has specials on Mondays. We sat at the sushi bar and had a really good conversation. He even remembered that I was getting a new job; impressive.

He told me about this underground society of pick-up artists he's been reading about (a la that show on VH1), and how there are all these message boards stuff, and said he'd show me some of the videos he found. He was talking about how boring work had been, and I asked why he hadn't written his blog about our first date. He insisted that he did, although I'd checked and it said there weren't any new posts. He whipped out his phone and went to his site; and sure enough, there was a new one. Except that he wouldn't let me read it! Imagine this: you're on a second date with a guy, and you've just found out there is a whole story written by him about what it was like to go on a date with you, and you can't see it. Torture!

Finally he let me read it; I thought it was pretty cute. It's funny to read the point of view of someone you've been on a date with... there are details and opinions that normally you wouldn't know if it was just a regular situation. So we finish reading it and we're laughing, and then it occurs to me... he likes me! Every time he looks at me, I'm thinking "you liiiike me," and I'm smiling to myself for the rest of the dinner; he keeps asking me what I'm smiling about. He'd made some comment about being able to read minds, so I told him he should put it to use, but he said he couldn't use it on command. Ha.

We finished dinner (he payed... "since it was happy hour") and ended up going back to hang out at his house (GASP! I know. That breaks every rule in my book. And I told him that too! But I wasn't worried that he might turn into this.) We hung out and talked and he showed me some videos of pick-up artists at work, and a book he loves called The Art of Deception. (Should I start taking these things as a bad sign?) After hanging out for awhile we agreed it was late, and he walked me out, said goodbye, and went inside. Note: Second official date, no kiss. Not a big deal... just saying.


Tuesday

We were texting each other, and I told him about my plans to go to the Taco Tuesday we both frequent. He told me he really wanted to go but wasn't sure if his friends did. This continued, even once I was there already with my friends (all of which, as it occured to me later, I have through Erwin, though he wasn't there.) Eventually he talked one of his friends into going with him, and he came and found my friends and I at our table without his own. (I realized the next day that it could have potentially been an uncomfortable situation to introduce a new guy to a group of my ex's friends, though it didn't seem to be, and I got the impression that they liked him.)

He hung out with us for awhile 'til 4/6 of us had to leave, and my remaining friend and him got up to get drinks. From there, we hung out at the bar, talking to people we ran into that we knew (one of mine was Ryan M, a guy I dated awhile ago, which was super awkward... I'll save that story for another time though) and flirting with each other. He spent a good portion of the evening telling me how adorable I am (reminicent of our first meeting). I'd told him I would give him a ride home, since the friend he came with wouldn't be able to. After awhile we decided to leave and we went to Denny's (he paid again, since I "only got french fries") before going back to his house. On the drive he told me that though he doesn't tell me how cute I am when he's sober, he's still thinking it. I asked him why, since he claims to be very outspoken, and he said that as cocky as he may come off, he's still "scared shitless" to tell a girl he likes her if he doesn't know she likes him.

We hung out for awhile talking on his bed 'til he finally made a move to kiss me. I made a joke about it, but let him, and we made out for awhile. (And yes, he is a good kisser. I know you were going to ask.) It started to trip me out a little bit because it was exactly like my dream*(more on this another time, promise), but it was fun, and eventually he walked me out because we were both exhausted.


Wednesday

I got an email from this PR girl I know who's a big deal in the music industry that said she had two tickets for me for one of my top 3 most favorite bands, Rilo Kiley. The show started at 7 so I only had a few hours to find someone to go with. Initially I thought of Mason Stanley, since we'd been talking about them and he had never heard of them before (which I, of course, promised to change). But realizing that we'd already spent the last two nights together, I reasoned that it was better to figure something else out. I texted a few people and they were busy or out of town. So I texted him and asked him if a round-about way if he'd want to go. He said he did and didn't seem phased by the three consecutive days.

I rushed home after work and he came to my house while I changed, and we left; I drove this time. He made fun of me for listening to the Christian radio station. We talked a lot in the car, or at least he did. I don't know if I was being far less interesting than I normally am, but it seemed like he wasn't as interested in what I had to say as he has been on the first two dates. We got there in perfect timing to park on the hill in $15 stacked parking (I paid), get our tickets from will-call, get some drinks (which he paid for, since he "can write them off on the company card"), find our seats, and have a few minutes before RK came on.

The show was great. It wasn't his favorite kind of music, and he felt really out of his element, but he seemed to have a good time. We wanted to do something after in LA but couldn't think of anything or anyone that would have something going on, so we decided to get food and I picked a Thai place I like called Toi Thai. He'd never had thai food before (oh, the shame) but was up for it. I think he was surprised at how loud the music was and how many people were there at midnight on a Wednesday. Neither of us had much to say and we sat and texted other people (we were those people) until our food got there. It seemed like he liked it. We didn't talk much, maybe out of tiredness, though he made a few future-plan comments about how he wants to take me to one of his concerts next, and how he can't wait 'til I start hanging out with his friends. The bill came and neither of us made a move for it for a few minutes, so I paid it.

We opened our fortune cookies (my favorite thing).

Mine: "An admirer is concealing their affection for you."

His: "A big challenge lies ahead of you."

We laughed about them. They both seemed fitting. He slipped his into his watch, I put mine in my purse. We agreed we like to keep the good ones.

We drove home, both super tired. We talked about shows he gets tickets to that he hasn't seen; namely Wicked, which is one of my favorite musicals and I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN IT. Yes, I know all the words. I proceeded, both out of feeling comfortable around him and being deliriously tired, to pop in the soundtrack and animatedly sing him the songs. Not sure if this was amusing, annoying, or embarrassing, but either way I thought it was funny.

We got to my house after what seemed like 3 hours and said goodbye with a hug. I had thought he would kiss me... for the first time that night (maybe I'm mistaken, but when you start seeing someone, and after your first kiss, doesn't that normally become part of the equation? Just checking.) but he didn't, and said something about trying to make it awkward. I told him it couldn't have been more awkward than the first time on the doorstep. He told me that he "learned a lot tonight." I figured he was referring to the indie music scene and thai food. We said goodnight and I went in and went to bed.


Thursday

We didn't talk today, aside from a couple text messages after work.


So all in all, I've been having a good time with him. The first few dates seemed to go progressively well, but for some reason the last one gave me the impression we're headed towards friend-territory at a fast clip. I may be wrong, I don't know. I thought we were getting along really well at first, but on Wednesday it seemed like we weren't really getting each other or connecting.

Plus, and please feel free to let me know if I'm way off base, I thought it was weird that we didn't kiss or anything (not hello or goodbye even, no touching, nothing) at all. It didn't even bother me so much, but just makes it seem like it's not moving in that direction. Not sure if it's because it's not there, or if neither of us is bold enough.

Guess we'll see. (Especially after we read his rendition of the story.... if he ever writes it... Ahem.)


On a side note, if you've read any of the posts I've written about who pays, (yep, all 15 of 'em!) you know that this is a very big, important topic to me. And if you've read his blog, you know it's big to him too. I do really appreciate the times he's picked up the check, and I always say thank you. But I find it weird that with every "thank you" comes an explanation of why he's paying it; because what I ordered was cheap, because our bill was half-priced, because he can write it off, etc. It makes me wonder, if those things weren't the case, would I have to pay for it? Am I not worth a full-priced dinner? Just saying.

Diamonds and Devotion

It occured to me this morning as I was getting dressed what month it is. And more importantly, what month in what year it is.

June 2008.

It might not be that significant to you. And I didn't even realize it was significant to me either, 'til something reminded me of The Ex.

Had we done things according to the plans we had made (and talked about constantly), we would have been getting married this month. MARRIED.

I know, right? Wow. It's almost unbelievable to me. Honestly, I can hardly even remember what it was like to be with him, it seems so long ago. I remember similarly, it hit me last June that we would have been getting engaged at that time, but since then I guess I had just put it out of my mind. It really snuck up on me.

But I went off to work (on my day off, mind you) for a class, knowing that at least concentrating on something else would temporarily distract my mind from it.

So there I am, in our back room learning all kinds of new things about our haircolor line, when in walks one of the girls I work with, sporting a brand new sparkling rock on her left ring finger. I tell myself I'm hallucinating and turn my attention back to the lecture.

Another one of the girls I work with (engaged), walks back to mix color and sees the ring, and they start talking excitedly about diamonds and fiances and wedding plans, and now I'm starting to feel a little lightheaded. I focus again on the class.

Another girl I work with walks back (also engaged) and gives her a big congratulatory hug. Now everyone is giggling and hugging. My eyes are stinging with tears and my stomach is imitating the washing machine churning beside me. I don't even notice that 10 minutes has gone by when I realize I haven't heard anything our educator is talking about, but I'm nodding along with the information.

So now, I am one of two un-engaged (or un-married) girls at my work, and the other girl has a serious boyfriend. Literally, I kid you not. There are 6 engaged girls! I am surrounded daily by diamonds and devotion. Where's mine?

And this, of course, all comes fairly soon after a break-up with Erwin; someone who I thought was sort of downright amazing. I wish he hadn't said all the things he said if he didn't mean them.

And on the subject of weddings, remind me to tell you all about my opinion on the Sex And The City movie. Cute movie! TERRIFYING PREMISE.



Note: I'm not upset anymore about not marrying The Ex, as I've realized over the course of the past few years that it's definitely for the best. But I'm starting to feel a little left behind, knowing that that could have been me too.

My Achy-Breaky Heart

I know it's been a long time, you guys. But alcohol has fueled a pretty honest blog post, and I hope you can enjoy it while it lasts.

My heart aches for Erwin. I know it's been awhile, and I should have moved on. I know I've been out with other guys. I know he's only human. But I still haven't been able to get over him.

I know what he did was no dice, but I also know that he was pretty damn incredible and I wonder if I'm going to find another like him.

A girl can dream. Sigh.

Karma’s a Bitch.

I'm sorry for the lapse in posts, I've not only been nursing a badly bruised heart, but also have had a hell of a time connecting to the internet lately. (Seriously... any CPU geniuses wanna help a girl out?)

Anyway, my friends would all tell you that they love my dating life, because they’re all in committed relationships and here I am, “happy as a clam” as far as they know, dating most of the under-40 year old population within an hour of my house. They like living vicariously through me, and get a kick out of my stories. And I play it off as though that’s all I want; a little entertainment, a free dinner, some attention, a good laugh.

Well, you know what?? That isn’t what I want. I was really fucking exciting to begin a new relationship, after all this time has gone by; after thinking I’d never find someone I liked on that level again. It was exhilarating to know that there was someone who felt the same way about me, too. Much to my friends’ chagrin, I was thrilled to dive off the single boat into Boyfriend Sea.

I’ve spent much of this past week dwelling on what happened on Easter. How could he? How could I let something like that happen? How could that delicious quiche have gone to waste? I’m a good person. I’m generous, kind, and thoughtful. I have a lot of love to give! I know… everything happens for a reason. What was the reason!?

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I do, in fact, deserve what happened. Here it is. I’ll admit it. I’ve been in the same situation before. But I wasn’t the one being played like a fool. Karma, you are such a bitch.

About a year and a half ago, pretty soon after the Breakup, I spent so much time and energy looking for a new guy that I didn’t care where I found him. Hours a day were spent on Craigslist personals, Match.com, eHarmony, Myspace, Facebook, Engage, and any other website you could think up. I wasn’t just perusing; I was a cat in heat and on the prowl.

I had posted one of my many Craigslist ads, proclaiming that I was “new to the area” (lies) and looking for “new friends,” (or sexy boys for dating and kissing) along with the best picture of myself I could find. It wasn’t long before my inbox was filled as usual, but one caught my eye. Exceptionally well-spoken, a little suggestive, and extremely vague, I couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was about this response that I liked. The mystery? The fact that he didn’t suggest kinky sexual activities, or tell me what car he drove? His picture was from 200 feet away, taken on the beach, from behind. He was hiding something. Maybe I knew him! I had to know.

We exchanged emails and I asked plenty of direct questions and received very subtle answers. By this point, all this mystery guy had told me was his first name (Brent), his age (27), the area he owned a house/ lived in (down the street from me and very swank), and his occupation (engineer). But that was it. It finally struck me one day…. He had to have a girlfriend, and I asked. For the first time, he was direct.

“It isn’t as black and white as that. I’m not going to lie. I do. But she’s moving across the country in the next few weeks and then it’s over. I’m not saying I’m single, or trying to have something lined up. I’m just open to meeting new people.”

Fair enough. He started to open up a bit more. He even sent me the link to his Myspace account. And he was hot! He wouldn’t add me to his friends, for fear that I could start leaving him comments or something. Looking at his profile, I found he was on the same marathon team as my roommate (who said she had met both him AND his girlfriend, who she said was a “total snot”) and had a seemingly perfect relationship with said snot, who posted him obnoxious “I love you Baby!” comments daily. Eventually, he admitted that they lived together. As much as my conscience should have kicked in and given me the “do unto others” speech, it didn’t. We made plans to meet.

Brent arrived at my house the following day, but insisted that I meet him down the street in case my roommate saw and recognized him (little did he know I had already showed her his MySpace) . I got into his (beautiful, foreign) car and we headed off to the countryside for a day of wine-tasting. Conversation was awkward, and I finally asked him how he’d phrased his plans for the day to his photographer girlfriend. “I didn’t have to,” he told me. “She never asks what I’m doing when she’s in the middle of a shoot.” Our flirting heated up with each glass of wine. After a few hours he said he needed to be getting back, but he would try and get out later to see me again. He dropped me off, and only an hour later texted me, saying he would come over as long as my roommate wouldn’t see him come in. I promised. When he arrived, he held my jacket in his hand (which I had unintentionally forgotten in the backseat) and berated me for being careless. As wrong as it was, I ate up every moment of it. We watched a movie on my bed, but didn’t kiss.

It started off innocently enough; occasional meetings, flirting, but no kissing or touching. An obvious attraction between us grew, and he called me one night, drunk and standing outside my bedroom window, demanding that I let him in. Despite my protests, he kissed me and we stayed up until the sun rose, making out aggressively; exhilarated in our sexual tension and how immoral it was.

Weeks turned into months, and when I would ask him when she was moving, he would give me vague answers. “It’s looking like next month.” “Sometime in the next few weeks.” “She hasn’t signed her lease yet but I think she found a place.” Our encounters became more frequent and his excuses for her began to run dry, until finally one day they packed up her things and drove her car across the country. He called me from the airport before his flight home left, to let me know he had gotten me a gift in NYC and couldn’t wait to see me.

Occasional turned frequent, and things seemed to be going well. I asked, one evening, why he still wouldn’t add me to his Myspace. “We haven’t quite broken up yet.” My heart dropped. From then on, things were strained, and we told each other less and less about our lives (yet the makeout sessions didn’t change). I casually announced one evening that I would be moving back down south, and his reaction made me wonder if we were experiencing two different relationships. I couldn’t understand how he could be so upset that I would leave, considering he was already in a relationship with someone else. We hardly spoke for the next few weeks.

Two nights before I left, he called me drunk and outside my window again, demanding that he come up. “I broke up with her. It’s done. Don’t leave me. You don’t have to leave now.” I, of course, wasn’t leaving over him, and was leaving despite him.

Since I moved here a year ago, and although I have many friends who I could stay with when I go to visit my old city every once in awhile, he is invariably the one I call. Without my asking if I can stay, he asks what time I’ll be in town and where he'll meet up with me. I go out, see my friends, have a great time, and we meet up at the end of the night for a hot makeout sesh like the old days. Other than my visits, we very rarely speak. Recently, he started IMing me more frequently, and told me how much he looks forward to my visits, and that he will be down in my area over the summer for a wedding and wants to see me. He casually mentioned that his ex-girlfriend had moved back from New York, but refused to talk about it when I asked him if they had seen each other.

Just days ago, I took a peek at his Myspace page, to find that he is now “In a Relationship” with her again. Interesting how things come full circle.

Oh, karma. You vengeful slutface.

Hiding more than eggs

Easter 2008: Officially SUCKS. Betrayed and bombed off cheap champagne.

Erwin and I have spent most of the past week together, completely falling for each other, and it's been as great as I had thought it would be. He's taken me out with his work friends, we've spent the night at each others' house, and he's been nothing but a gentleman. I told him originally that I'm kind of a prude when it comes to hooking up with someone I'm not in a relationship with, and he's been nothing but supportive than that. We even told each other we should wait until May before we start messing around, because as he says, that way we can build a strong meaningful relationship before we introduce sex into it, according to a book he read. Normally charming, but as it turns out, its quite the opposite.

He has a girlfriend.

And no, I didn't see it coming. I didn't see any signs. He came over this morning for the Easter brunch that I had spent all morning cooking; wanting to impress him with my cooking skills and do something special for him. He showed up acting distant (totally out of character) and sat around while I served it, hardly speaking. Every couple minutes he would receive a text that he would respond to immediately, despite the fact that he usually doesn't even bring his phone with him. I didn't really think anything of it until he started getting a bunch of phone calls that he was ignoring.

Finally, while I sat there eating my omelet, he said he had to grab something out of his car and was gone for a good 10 minutes before I walked out the front door and saw him sitting against his car, telling someone he loved them. I guess he didn't hear me come out, because the conversation didn't cease. "Yes, baby, I wish I could spend it with you too. I know. You know how my family is though. Oh and my Grandma sends her love. Ok baby, I'll tell her." I stood, stunned and unsure what to do. My heart pounded and I got up the strength to move, I swung around, ran in the house, and slammed and locked the door. I stood there, shaking, furious, feeling like a complete idiot, while he yelled through the door that he could explain.

I told him to fuck off; that there wasn't anything to explain. After a minute or two of this, there was silence. "You're right. Can we talk about this?.... Come on. Let me in." I'm a pushover.

He walked in. He didn't make eye contact with me. He said he was sorry, and that he knew he was an asshole. I didn't have any response. He pushed past me, grabbed his car keys and wallet and another strawberry, and walked out.

So I spent the last 2 hours sitting here, drinking the 3 bottles of champagne I bought for mimosas (straight out of the bottle, and let me tell you, Cook's is not meant to be consumed without juice in it; and yes I am drunk and yes it took me a long time to write this in a readable way) and calling all my friends, telling them how the guy we all finally thought was good for me is more of an asshole than any of the other douches I've been hanging out with.

I would rather have sat suffocating in a creep-ass Easter Bunny costume hugging kids in the mall than spending the day feeling humiliated like this.



What a fantastic fucking Easter. Onto the next one. Cheers!

A Symphony of Epiphanies

I needed this weekend to know that I really was ready to move on.

Amazing, after two years of endless heartbreak/recklessly wanting someone who "isn't sure" if I'm the right girl for him, I've realized that I don't think he's the right guy for me either, as much as I've tried to believe he was. It's time to let go.

It takes a lot of work sometimes to take your own advice. My mantra is always to live each day in the moment. Don't waste your time. Live each day in the moment! You never know how long you (or anyone else) has on this earth, so don't wait around for anything. This was always the reasoning I gave the Ex. "If you think you want to be with me again someday, why not now!? Life is too short to wait for another time!"

Rihanna says it best when she said that to me he's like a drug, and we both use each other, but in different ways. Some sad kind of gratification came from getting attention from him, no matter what the outcome. I spent the past two years believing that there was something I was lacking if he felt the need to look elsewhere. Maybe if I lose weight before I see him again? Maybe if I get a better job? Maybe if my relationship with my family was different? Maybe if I play harder to get, and then he'll be under the false pretense that I won't always be here waiting for him?

As much as he's known how it's affected me, he's always kept me at arms length, but close enough to be comfortable in the fact that if he can't find someone better, he can always go back to me. Any time it's seemed as though I'm moving on and getting over us, a quick yank on my leash has brought me right back. And no matter how much I've told myself, time and time again, that I was strong and resilient and independent, and wasn't going to let him affect me, he always has.

Recent discovery that I have the ability to have feelings for another person* made me wonder what it is that I've been waiting for. Why him? What is it about him that's made me want to wait the rest of my life for him? I love and care about him, but it finally clicked with me that I'm not his ideal mate. And the truth is, he's not my ideal mate either. This isn't my love story. We had some great times, and now they are some great memories. But those memories don't translate to a future the way I've always pushed for.

Clear as day, here it is: If after almost 4 years of being involved with each other (committed or otherwise), if he's not in love with me, he's not going to be.

Simple as that.


Not to say I didn't have a good weekend with him. We enjoy each other's company and are reallyrelaxed around each other, and we did a lot of fun things and ate a lot of great food. I'm glad he came because I had fun, and was able to gain some real-life perspective on the chapter in my life that is closing.

I knew going into it that there was a good chance my feelings would come flooding back, as they always do, as soon as I saw him, which they didn't. I also knew that if I spent all weekend thinking about someone different, it was a definite way to know that my heart isn't in it anymore.... which I did.

Excuse my French.... Fan-fucking-tastic! I have an overwhelming sense of relief and pride in myself.

I spent so much time waiting for the day that he would declare that he had "made a mistake" and mean it for real; so long hoping that one day he would realize I was really the person he was happiest with and that he didn't need to look anymore. And now I know that even if those feelings are genuine this time, it just comes down to too little, too late, and my heart isn't invested in it in the same way. He was super sweet this weekend, and I appreciate the nice dinners and fun things we did so much, but continuing on the way we have been isn't doing either one of us any favors, and nothing good is going to come out of it; now, or in the foreseeable future.

After driving him to the airport, I texted Erwin (aka the Mickey Mouse Man) to say I was on my way back and he asked me to have dinner with him. We had been texting each other during the weekend, and he's been telling me how much all of his friends want to meet me after what he told them, and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

As soon as I got back into town, he picked me up and we got some dinner (which ended up being a good two hour long meal because we had such a good conversation... and so nice to know that we like all the same things about each other, we have a LOT in common), rented a movie, and snuggled on my bed. Sigh.

*Before you get your panties in a twist: Erwin is not the REASON I was able to get over the Ex. Even if he and I never saw each other again, I would still be over the Ex. It's the fact that I am able to be totally into someone else that made me realize the Ex is not the only fish in the sea that I'll ever want to swim with.

A second date to write home about

I guess technically you could say that it was a third date (I met up with Erwin the other night when we were at the same bar with our friends, and we hung out a bit), but fabulous nonetheless.

Thinking I was off work at 10pm (instead of 6pm) he'd made plans to go to a party at a pizza place with his coworkers and was considering canceling so we could hang out instead, which I insisted he didn't do (bailing on plans with friends to hang out with your girlfriend is the first ingredient in a very potent brew of resentment later on). He came by my work to visit me, which caused about 25 minutes of glowing smiles in front of my coworkers, and asked me a little hesitantly if I wanted to go with him to his work party. I told him I didn't want to intrude and it was totally fine if he would rather meet up later, but he said he wanted me to come so I said I'd love to. We met at my house when I got off so I could change and took off for Pizza Port.

His colleagues are 95% male and range in age from 24-60(?). It's obviously a little intimidating to walk into a big room full of people I don't know (that secretly I was hoping would like me so they would give him the thumbs up on me), but he introduced me to everyone and they were all very friendly and positive. It wasn't long before I was involved in my own conversations with them and making everyone laugh. We ended up staying a few hours and having quite a few beers, and also a great time. When we left he told me how much he loves the fact that he knows he can take me anywhere and introduce me to people and doesn't have to worry if I'm going to be awkward or shy or having a good time; that he adores the fact that I have an intelligent sense of humor that makes everyone around me laugh. Gotta love genuine compliments.

We stopped at his apartment so he could change. I wasn't surprised to find that the 1 bedroom apartment of a single 24 year old male wasn't exactly spotless (which he warned me about extensively, and almost didn't want me to see it), but was so relieved to see that it was just clothes and papers on the floor, and not month-old pizza boxes and crushed beer cans. And underneath the bills and tee-shirts is actually a very nice apartment, also inhabited by two very cute black kitties. It always means a lot to me when a guy has pets, because it means he is able to commit himself for caring for something other than his own needs.

We met up with some of his friends I had met the night we ran into each other and had another great time with them. Time flew by and after closing the bar down, we went over to the 24-hour diner across the street and ate lots of greasy drunk-food and traded nicknames for awful sex acts (my personal worst picks of the evening: grumpy munchkins, chili rainbows, and tiajuana crimescenes). When we finished, we parted ways with his friends and he drove me home, but we sat in the car and talked for over an hour. It's strange and exciting to feel like I met a guy who is the male equivalent of myself, personality wise, and that he feels the same way. I'm thinking we're sort of crazy about each other.

Sweet! When does this every happen??

This is literally the first time I've felt like I have actually feelings for someone other than the Ex since we broke up...

Real magic in the Magic Kingdom

About two weeks ago, I was at Taco Tuesday at Fred's with C, and after being approached (/chatted up/harassed/stalked) by a bunch of definite no-go's (and I think it might have been "Marines drink for free" considering how many obnoxiously drunk douchebags with crewcuts there were), I locked eyes with a guy leaning over the back of C's chair to snag some napkins off of our table. After a few sarcastic comments between us, he retreated a few feet back and leaned against the wall, directly behind C's head. From then on, no matter who I talked to or was looking at, he was looking at me. And every time we made eye contact, he'd smile this seductive smile at me (think James Dean), or wink at me, and even stuck his tongue out at me to show off his tongue ring. Come to think of it... I may have started the facemaking. But that's just details.

Eventually Mr. Badass (let's call him Erwin) came and sat down next to me. "Before you say anything, Missy," he said, "let me just tell you now, I'm not gonna let you blow me off like all the other poor guys who keep trying to talk to you. Not until you give me a fighting chance." Ok, so he was real cute, though definitely not my "type," but a guy with charisma and a little spice is alright in my book.

We talked for awhile, and he made C and I laugh until we cried quite a few times, and we sassed each other up. (It's always so refreshing to find a guy who can take it and dish it back just as well.) I asked him why he had flashed his tongue ring at me. "Just tryin' to get some pussy." Classy. (To which I, of course, explained that he better move to another table 'cause it wasn't on the menu at mine.) Eventually, I finally agreed to tell him my name and what I did and where I lived. Each minute that we bullshitted, the boy grew more fond of me. The brattier I was, the more he couldn't seem to take his eyes off of me. (Is it really that easy?) At one point he told me he wanted to take me to Disneyland. "Oh yeah, totally, let's go." (I'm sure.) As much as I sassed him and toyed with him and lovingly dragged him through the coals (which he ate up, and did right back to me, so none of those "you're such a bitch" comments, please), there was definitely some sort of magnetic chemistry between us that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

He walked out with us, and I (perfectly willingly) gave him my phone number. He asked how soon he should call. "Tomorrow, if you want to see me again. But I prefer texts."

Sure enough, Erwin texted me the next day. We wrote back and forth every so often for two weeks, until we solidified a plan to go to Disneyland Friday (which was yesterday). I told my friends I had these plans, but was convinced they weren't actually going to happen.... who honestly takes a girl to Disneyland for a first date?

He picked me up around 10am and was cuter than I recalled, and turned out to be a great driver (very important to me, seeing as how I get so awkwardly nervous when other people hold my life in their hands). We drove over and laughed on the way, and he bought my two-day parkhopper pass (he has a premium annual passport already).

We went straight to the Blue Bayou restaurant, which is the one inside Pirates of the Carribbean. (Which has also impressed every single one of my friends, because apparently it's impossible to get a reservation... this boy did some planning.)

Lunch was dark and kind of romantic, but still in the "uncomfortable first date" sort of way. We had a nice conversation and headed out to start riding the rides. Things started to loosen up while we waited for Pirates, and as we walked out after we got off he held my hand. From then on, we felt a bit more comfortable, and I don't really recall standing in the lines (though we must have) because we were talking and laughing a lot. He's definitely one of those people with a natural charisma and magnetism about him, and one of those smiles that lights up a room, which I love. And he keeps me laughing, which automatically makes him pretty damn dateable.

Eventually we headed over to California Adventure Park, which I had never been to before. Strangely the best thing in the park was the museum about animation. I'm not sure what happened in there, but something between us just clicked. We were looking at all these original sketches from Snow White and talking about how my roommate had just moved out and taken her dog (aka the love of my life) and he made a joke about getting me one, but then said more seriously that he was becoming more crazy about me by the minute and I could probably talk him into just about anything anything. When we walked out he was being really quite, and told me he had had a moment of euphoria while we were inside that he couldn't really explain.

He talked me into going on the Tower of Terror, which is named quite appropriately. They always say that fear and humor are two emotions that bond people the quickest, which I wouldn't argue. Gotta love that adrenaline!

After a few more rides and lots of hand-holding and arms around each other, and times where we'd look at each other and it seemed as though we both wanted to kiss but it just wasn't the perfect moment yet, I talked him into the Ferris Wheel, which he said was his biggest fear. (After everything else we went on, I can't really understand that.) We waited 'til it got dark and my big plan was to kiss at the top when it stopped (movie-worthy, right?), but they put us in a cage with two ladies so that plan was blown. We chose a rocking cage (or at least I did, while he stood shaking in his boots) which turned out to be about as terrifying as he predicted it would be. Although he was scared shitless, he did make me and the two ladies in our gondola laugh hysterically which only reminded me why I was having such a fantastic day and was growing exponentially fond of this guy.

When we got off (and after he pretty much kissed the ground) he said he wanted to go back to guest services to see if we could convert my ticket into an annual passport. They told us the best thing to do is to do it on the second day we use it, so that we won't have trouble with blackout days. The woman showed us the brochure with all of the different options, and was describing to me about how much I would pay for each type of membership. He told her I wouldn't be the one paying for it, and agreed that we would do it next time we came back. As much as I am not one to plan anything for the future these days, I had no doubt in my mind that I would be coming back with him. Already, this was by far the best date I had ever been on.

At this point we realized we were painfully hungry and set off to Downtown Disney to get some dinner before the fireworks, which were only an hour away. But when we got there we found that every single other person at Disneyland was doing the same thing and all the restaurants had over an hour wait, so we put our name in and went to the bar at ESPNZone to have a drink. We realized that we were going to miss the fireworks show by waiting that long anyway, so we decided Disney was done for the day and headed off to the restaurant of my choice, which just so happened to be my beloved BJ's. Mmm....

We got some (delicious) pizza and cocktails in our tummies and at this point were just staring at each other in awe of the day we had just had. Though we joked with each other that it was a good sign that we had "tolerated" each other for the 13 hours we had spent together (again, I adore a guy who can take my sarcasm and give it back to me), it was beyond a doubt that we had both grown head over heels over the course of the day.

At one point, after a couple drinks, I asked him if there really wasn't anything he wanted to know about me (he really hadn't asked me much about my family or past, though I had asked him lots of things). He replied with, quite honestly, the best monologue I think I've ever heard.

"It isn't that I don't want to know about you. I want to know everything about you. But I know I'll learn these things over time. It isn't important to me to sit here and ask you questions about your past, because I can't be a part of your past. What I want to know is how I can make you laugh. What makes you tick. I want to know what you're excited about. What makes you cry, and what your buttons are, so I know what not to do. What I want to know about is your future, because that's what I can be a part of. I WANT to be a part of it."

The day that could have gone so wrong managed to go better than I could ever have imagined.

While he was driving me home (now 11pm) he jokingly said "where to next?" though he knew I had to be up early and had to be getting to bed. "Seriously though, I don't even want you to go home. I don't want this day to end."

I didn't either.

He pulled up to my house and got out of the car to hug me goodbye, gave me a fantastic goodnight kiss, and told me he had been waiting for it all day. He told me he already missed me and truly couldn't wait to see me again.

As much as I am so noncommittal since the heartbreak to end all heartbreaks, there is something about him that I just can't get enough of. This might actually be it.