Monday, March 17, 2008

A Symphony of Epiphanies

I needed this weekend to know that I really was ready to move on.

Amazing, after two years of endless heartbreak/recklessly wanting someone who "isn't sure" if I'm the right girl for him, I've realized that I don't think he's the right guy for me either, as much as I've tried to believe he was. It's time to let go.

It takes a lot of work sometimes to take your own advice. My mantra is always to live each day in the moment. Don't waste your time. Live each day in the moment! You never know how long you (or anyone else) has on this earth, so don't wait around for anything. This was always the reasoning I gave the Ex. "If you think you want to be with me again someday, why not now!? Life is too short to wait for another time!"

Rihanna says it best when she said that to me he's like a drug, and we both use each other, but in different ways. Some sad kind of gratification came from getting attention from him, no matter what the outcome. I spent the past two years believing that there was something I was lacking if he felt the need to look elsewhere. Maybe if I lose weight before I see him again? Maybe if I get a better job? Maybe if my relationship with my family was different? Maybe if I play harder to get, and then he'll be under the false pretense that I won't always be here waiting for him?

As much as he's known how it's affected me, he's always kept me at arms length, but close enough to be comfortable in the fact that if he can't find someone better, he can always go back to me. Any time it's seemed as though I'm moving on and getting over us, a quick yank on my leash has brought me right back. And no matter how much I've told myself, time and time again, that I was strong and resilient and independent, and wasn't going to let him affect me, he always has.

Recent discovery that I have the ability to have feelings for another person* made me wonder what it is that I've been waiting for. Why him? What is it about him that's made me want to wait the rest of my life for him? I love and care about him, but it finally clicked with me that I'm not his ideal mate. And the truth is, he's not my ideal mate either. This isn't my love story. We had some great times, and now they are some great memories. But those memories don't translate to a future the way I've always pushed for.

Clear as day, here it is: If after almost 4 years of being involved with each other (committed or otherwise), if he's not in love with me, he's not going to be.

Simple as that.

Not to say I didn't have a good weekend with him. We enjoy each other's company and are reallyrelaxed around each other, and we did a lot of fun things and ate a lot of great food. I'm glad he came because I had fun, and was able to gain some real-life perspective on the chapter in my life that is closing.

I knew going into it that there was a good chance my feelings would come flooding back, as they always do, as soon as I saw him, which they didn't. I also knew that if I spent all weekend thinking about someone different, it was a definite way to know that my heart isn't in it anymore.... which I did.

Excuse my French.... Fan-fucking-tastic! I have an overwhelming sense of relief and pride in myself.

I spent so much time waiting for the day that he would declare that he had "made a mistake" and mean it for real; so long hoping that one day he would realize I was really the person he was happiest with and that he didn't need to look anymore. And now I know that even if those feelings are genuine this time, it just comes down to too little, too late, and my heart isn't invested in it in the same way. He was super sweet this weekend, and I appreciate the nice dinners and fun things we did so much, but continuing on the way we have been isn't doing either one of us any favors, and nothing good is going to come out of it; now, or in the foreseeable future.

After driving him to the airport, I texted Erwin (aka the Mickey Mouse Man) to say I was on my way back and he asked me to have dinner with him. We had been texting each other during the weekend, and he's been telling me how much all of his friends want to meet me after what he told them, and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

As soon as I got back into town, he picked me up and we got some dinner (which ended up being a good two hour long meal because we had such a good conversation... and so nice to know that we like all the same things about each other, we have a LOT in common), rented a movie, and snuggled on my bed. Sigh.

*Before you get your panties in a twist: Erwin is not the REASON I was able to get over the Ex. Even if he and I never saw each other again, I would still be over the Ex. It's the fact that I am able to be totally into someone else that made me realize the Ex is not the only fish in the sea that I'll ever want to swim with.

6 people had something to say:

The Renaissance Man said...

A little clarity can go a long way in a situation like that. Hopefully you'll keep moving forward from here.

reddahlia said...

someone recommended your blog to me on friday and i've done a bit of reading this weekend. wanted to tell you i thoroughly enjoy it.

Neil said...

This may sound weird, but my breakup with my ex was almost identical to your breakup. I wonder if thats a personality thing or a age thing?

I'd love to explore this idea further, but its 2 a.m. and I have work at 8. :(

MastaX said...

Will you be texting with him as often you may have in the past or will you be curtailing that ?

Laurel said...

Your blog is such a fun read, and I love the insightfulness of this post in particular. It's very inspiring!

Grof said...
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