Friday, February 29, 2008

It's me! The girl who isn't like every other girl!

Firstly, you absolutely must read this: It's Me! Every girl ever.

Hi there! I saw you looking at me from the other side of the bar. I love your shirt. What made me come over here? You're the hottest guy I've seen all night, and I'm not the type to sit around batting my eyelashes and wait for you to approach me. Awww, I'm glad you're flattered. Your blushing makes you even sexier, did you know that?

It's so refreshing that you know how to maintain eye contact. And even though I'm wearing this tight lowcut v-neck tee! What a sweetheart you are. Where are my friends? They're over in that booth. Yeah, we work together. Who are your friends? Don't worry, I'm only being friendly to make a good impression. If I wanted to flirt with them I wouldn't have come over to talk to you. I'm going to make them laugh a bit. They approve! I can see it by the way you guys look at each other.

It's sweet of you to buy me a drink, I didn't expect you to. Are you up for a tequila shot? If you aren't I'm going to call you a pussy, but all in good fun. It's so hot that you laugh at my sarcastic sense of humor, it shows a lot about a guy who isn't scared away by it. I can tell you think I'm cute by the way you're staring at me. No, not all hot girls have lame stuck-up personalities, but I'm still flattered that you think I'm awesome and smart too. You can't really be that shocked. Really? Oh, well ok. Thank you.

Now that we've exchanged names, I think it's fair to say we're not strangers anymore. I get a lot of satisfaction out of the way your face lights up when I touch your arm. A few more minutes of this and you're going to be totally hooked. Oops! I think you already are. I know, I hear that a lot that I'm not like all the other girls. Well, thank you for the compliment.

Yes, here are my friends. Don't be intimidated. Just like we established, girls can be hot AND awesome, which of course my friends are too. Well, I don't want to ditch them so I'm going to go get another drink on the other side of the bar, and pretend you aren't watching me even though I can see it out of the corner of my eye, and I know you can't help it anyway. You want my number? I'll think about it. Maybe later. Go have fun with your friends!

Ooh, here comes another really cute guy. I hope you don't notice him talking to me. Oh, too late. I see you looking at us from across the room. But what can you do.

Oh hey, it's you again. I'm impressed you lasted 15 minutes over on that other side. Boys are so predictable! Sure, you can have my number if you really want it. Yes, I'll try to answer if you call. Better yet, text me. What do you mean how many days should you wait before you contact me? Oh come on... do I really seem like other girls? Let me put it this way; if you want to hang out, text me tomorrow. Do you like sushi?

No I'm sorry, I'm working late the next few days and then I'll be in LA for the weekend. Oh he, sorry about that, I had to get back to work. What are you doing? Yeah, next Tuesday will work. I know it's driving you nuts that I don't respond to your text messages right away, but that's the whole point. I know deep down you like it.

Aww thanks! You look great too. You're totally still as hot as I remember and I'm not even drinking this time! I'm so glad I chose these jeans, they make my butt look hot. And I know you just noticed it when you were walking behind me, I caught you. How cute that you put on a little too much cologne. It's flattering that you're worried about impressing me. This is our house, yeah that is my roommate. It is nice, huh? I found them on craigslist, can you believe it? What do you feel like? There's an all you can eat sushi place a few miles away. Sounds good to me too!

I like everything, I'm not picky, you can just order for us. Want to share a sake and a Kirin? Do you like unfiltered? So what do you do? I like that you feel important when I listen to what you're saying with interest. I'm glad you like answering questions. It's really charming that you're a little nervous. Oh finally, the drinks are here. Looks like you're starting to loosen up! I can tell that when you ask me something and I answer, you're more interested in watching my lips move. I think you're cute too. Yes, of course I'm glad we got together. Yeah I'm having a really good time! I know you are, I can tell. Thank you so much for dinner.

I'm impressed that you got up the guts to take my hand. Aren't you glad it's cold out so you have a reason to put your arms around me? I wonder how long I can look up at you with this look in my eyes before you get bold and kiss me. Finally.... you're not bad. Little less tongue next time though maybe.

You're right, we do have so much in common. You're pretty cool yourself. I'm glad I met you too. When can you see me again? Hmm... I'm not sure, I'll have to look at my schedule. We'll plan something though. Yes I promise! I'm pretty tired, I have to work early tomorrow. Aww don't look so sad. You'll see me again.

Oh hi, I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you the last few days, I've been so busy with work. Yeah, I have plans with my friends for tonight. Yeah I have to work tomorrow too. How about Thursday?

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

My brief vacay: A vague overview

Since starting my job in October, I've been asking for 3-4 days off to celebrate Christmas with my family up north (about 8 hours from where I live). I was finally given a few days off: February 24th, 25th, and 26th. Knowing I only had three nights and two and a half days, I had to make the most of it.

After working all day on Saturday, I jumped in my car and drove straight from my job to the hometown of the Ex, where I stayed for the evening. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months, and the last visit was a little strange because it was a short meeting in the lobby of the hotel he was staying in. I think we were both concerned that this visit could be as awkward as the last, but we had high hopes. In an effort to maintain the privacy and sweetness of the situation, I will just say this: it was really nice, really sweet, really innocent, and went at least as well as I had hoped for. And also reminded me of why I miss him, and reinforced the fact that I do. Very much. The only disappointing part was the fact that I'd lost 9 lbs since I saw him last, which I don't think he noticed. (Come to think of it, no one in my family did either. Fabulous.)

Sunday, after lunch and a little shopping, we said goodbye and I drove up to my own hometown where I met up with my mom and went to an Oscar party. After a few Bloody Marys with her former work friends (who haven't seen me since I was 15) I started telling them some of my most recent dating stories (including, of course, the toolshed plastic surgeon and the persian fashion mogul, among others). Within 15 minutes, I had 15-20 generously middle-aged women crowded around me, enthralled and asking question upon question, which eventually turned into a live advice column for all their own dating dilemmas. Love the ladies... but I have to say I never thought I'd be giving 55 year old women dating advice. C'est la vie!

The drive home got ugly when the conversation between my mom and I turned to her relationship with the World's Biggest Scumbag, ie her boyfriend of the past 12 years. The same Scumbag she's been vowing to break up with and kick out of her house for the past 10. Also, the same Scumbag that was the eventual cause of my moving out at the age of 16. Not my favorite subject, as I'm sure you can understand, but I'm sure I'll divulge you more in the future. But for the purpose of this story, let's just say she left my (former) stepdad (one of the most intelligent, kind-hearted, successful, worldly, sweet people ever) for the World's Biggest Scumbag, which I will never understand. Not even under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs! Long story short, my stepdad and I keep in touch because he's awesome.

Monday I woke up to an email from my stepdad, and we got together for the best sushi I think I have ever had. We talked about all different kinds of things, and he asked me some different things about how things are with the Ex, who I can tell he liked a lot. He reaffirmed my thoughts on the subject. (I wish I could say more about this, but better to say too little than too much.)

I spent the rest of the evening with my mom (and more messy conversations). I woke up this morning (Tuesday), and showered and got ready so I could leave by 11. On the way back down south, I stopped at the Ex's office and we had lunch across the street, which was still comfortable and nice and definitely a great note to end my visit on.

We texted pretty much the whole time I was driving back, and I may be wrong but I do believe we are at least somewhat in the same mindset.

I guess we'll see.

Stopped shortly at Starbucks when I got back into town to say hello to the Foxista. He was in the middle of a staff meeting and couldn't talk, but called me later and we had an unusually awkward conversation. He texted me after to tell me how there is no way he could explain how much he missed me, how he thinks about me frequently, and seeing my sweet face was "spectacular." Weird. Maybe we'll go on a second date after all.

.... MAYBE.

Crushing dreams, one frumpy unmarried cat lady at a time.


Online Dating Helping Pathetic Women Get Their Hopes Crushed More Efficiently

Sunday, February 24, 2008

A Brief Vacay

The Girl in the Mirror is out of town for a few days.....

I'll try to update you on what's been going on, but just advanced warning; it's going to be a hectic three days.

Au revoir!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

College Co-Ed runs 300-guy train to celebrate Valentine's Day

But only on Speeddate.com!

Seriously though, folks. You didn't really think I'd post about gangbang porn, did you?


According to the LA Times Web Scout blog, this college co-ed named Francesca Salcido decided to go on 300 online speed dates (as mentioned in my Speed Dating In Bed post back in December) for Valentine's Day. An honorable endeavor, if you ask me.

Had I known she was doing that, though, I obviously would have made plans to try and out-do this dating diva, instead of what I ended up doing, which was spending time with a group of real people. Nothing too notable... a few drinks with some friends (nothing personal guys, I did have a great time with you), but at least a little genuine human interaction. And as much as I can sit here and pretend to laugh about this girl's idea, I secretly wish I had thought of it first.


Something about this story makes me feel both fiercely competitive and also like I just found my kindered spirit. Maybe someday we'll be friends.


I wonder how it went?

Saturday, February 16, 2008

The Foxista: A Rundown

So we hung out last night.

Firstly, I picked him up from his house, which is only a few minutes from me which is nice, but because he doesn't have a car, which is not nice.

When I got him I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said, "Honestly I'm so stoked to be hanging out with you, I don't care what we do." (Awwww..... so nice.) I gave him the choice of either A. going to the fun brewery down the street or B. going to my house and drinking bloody marys, and he opted for the second, due to a lack of funds in his account. (Not so nice.)

We got to my house and I made us some drinks and we dove into getting to know each other. He's 26, from Upstate NY, has two older sisters, and is passionate about skateboarding and music. His goal is to submit some video footage of his skating to skate companies and get a sponsorship. To be perfectly honest with you guys, I have no problem with skateboarding, and I actually think skaters are sexy (a feeling that dates back to 7th grade and my complete and utter enfatuation with pretty much any boy at my middle school who wore baggy pants and airwalks and flipped ollies in the front parking lot during lunch), but unfortunately those kinds of goals/dreams aren't a turn on anymore when they're coming from a grown man, who, in his words, wants to settle down in the next few years. How?

I'm sorry if I sound like a total picky, wishy-washing snotty bitch, and maybe I am (I hope not), but other than the whole lacking ambition/a car/a well-paying career, he's really an amazing guy. Like I'm sure I've made clear already, he's super attractive, and he's extremely sweet, open, and affectionate. We spent the whole night talking, and he kept telling me how I was so gorgeous and he just couldn't believe I would choose him to do something like that for. After a few Bloody Marys I admitted that the primary reason I go to that Starbucks is because he works there, which he was completely surprised by, as he has spent every shift since the first night I came in hoping I'll be coming in for a coffee.

At some point in the night, we were in the kitchen talking while I was making another drink for him and was in the middle of a sentence, stopped talking, put his hands behind my head, and kissed me for what seemed like 10 minutes (but was realistically probably 10 seconds). As it turns out, he is a fantastic kisser, which he said about me as well.

From then on, we split our time between getting to know each other, and a passionate makeout sesh. Eventually we decided he was going to stay over (since I was about 4 drinks deep) and I made it clear that staying over meant sleeping, and not.... staying over (wink wink). I told him I move slowly with physical stuff, and I told him it would be no different than exactly what was going on already, except in a different room. He told me a few times that he understood, and we went upstairs.

I was very pleasantly surprised when he stripped down to boxers and I found that he has an absolutely perfect body. Think slim hips, strong V-lines and 0% body fat.... just completely toned everything. Right. (Sorry for the stockphoto, just needed an example.)

So we get in bed, and get back to making out. Its more sweet and passionate than hot and heavy (to be graphic, there isn't any intense grinding or groping or moving or anything else that would lead a person to believe this was a segway to other activities), and goes on for about 15 minutes before, ALL OF A SUDDEN, there's a hand in my pants. Literally, like a flash of lightning.

And in a similar fashion I yanked it out and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. He apologized profusely and said it was because he was drunk. We kissed for another minute, until he pulled away, and (get this) asked me if I had a condom.

I asked him if he was kidding. No. I asked him what exactly he needed a condom for. He said, with the most sincere look on his face, that it was really important to him to be "safe."

"Were you not listening?? Did I not tell you before that nothing more was going to happen? That 'staying over' didn't entail anything?? Did I not just get mad a second ago when you put your hand down my pants?!"

Again, he apologized profusely, blamed it on all the drinks that I had made him (hesitantly.... that he had kept asking for) and then apologized some more and said I was "lucky" that it was him (a nice guy) instead of some drunk jerk that would try to take advantage of the situation (he has a point, but a weird time to bring up threatening situations with strangers). We kissed for a little bit longer and went to sleep.

So I awoke this morning to a very sexy, quietly snoring bedmate who had stolen all the covers. I managed to weasel some out of his grasp and rolled the opposite way to go back to sleep. The snoring stopped and he rolled over towards me, and said "awwww" while he wrapped his arms and legs around me and buried his face in my hair and told me how nice it was to wake up and see me next to him. And then he apologized profusely for last night and told me how embarrassed he was for being like that, and understood if I never wanted to see him again but that he really wasn't that kind of guy and it was really just the alcohol talking, and that he just feels so bad about it.

From then we rolled around and laughed and kissed and talked and snuggled and tickled each other (and were consistently turned on the whole time, though not in the aggressive way like the night before, but more in a cute funny way that we kept giggling about) 'til I realized suddenly that I had exactly an hour before I had to leave for work and get there exactly on time, and I hadn't even gotten out of bed yet, so I jumped up and got ready while he hung out with me, and drove him home on my way to work. He sent me a few really sweet texts during the day, telling me that he was thinking about me and how beautiful he thinks I am.... I could really get used to that.

I secretly hope that he can pull together some ambition and a car in the next few weeks so that he can be my boyfriend. But that might be somewhat of a miracle.

Friday, February 15, 2008

He likes me a LATTE too!

Omg. GREAT news.

So I guess the Foxista wasn't working until today, so when he got to work at 5:30pm and was handed a pink takeout box with his name on it he was a bit surprised.

5:36pm: I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I don't answer. I get a voicemail from him, telling me how cute the puzzle was and how "stoked" he is, and how he's working and really wants me to come by.

5:40pm: I'm totally surprised and not sure how to respond so I call all my friends to tell them the message word for word and they are all about as excited as I am.

6:10pm: I get a text from him, telling me how stoked he is, and he thanks me again for the puzzle, telling me I made his night. I ask him what time he gets off.

6:20-8:00pm: We write back and forth every few minutes, and he keeps telling me to come by the store. He tells me how awesome that was, and how much he loved it, and that I'm beautiful. (aww)

8:15pm: I walk into Starbucks and his coworker goes to get him from the back. He has a huge smile on his face. He makes me my favorite drink and doesn't charge me for it; his Valentine's present to me. He tells me how good it made him feel again, and how awesome and beautiful I am (I could really get used to that, let me tell ya) and that he was all bummed because he didn't think I was going to come in. I basically blushed hardcore through the entire visit and felt beyond shy, but hopefully it didn't show too bad. Then he said (which I thought was really weird) that he was working the next night so I should come in (doesn't he want to hang out outside of Starbucks maybe?) and I say I'm working too. He asks if he can text me later. Duh.

9:00pm: I ask him what he's doing after work. He says nothing. I ask if he wants to hang out. He says he'd love to and that he misses me already. (For reals?)

So now I sit here, (im)patiently waiting for him to get off of work so we can go get a drink, which I think is totally necessary to make sure I'm not a nervous wreck the whole time.

Ahh!!! Wish me luck!

A Love Affair with CL Missed Connections

Basically, picture you're out at dinner with your friends, let's say. You look at a table across the room and see a member of the sex you're attracted to who is totally good looking, stylish, and seems to notice you, too. You want to talk to them, but you're both tied up with friends, and they end up leaving before you have a chance to work up the balls to approach them.
So... you go on Craigslist, and you post a missed connection about where you were, what you look like, what they look like, what time it was, and that you hope they see your ad because you're hopelessly in love with them, or want to jump their bones, or whatever the case is.
That way, you save yourself the humiliation of being rejected in person, and if they happen to see it and want to talk to you, they have the opportunity.



So.... truth be told, I had kind of a fascination with the Craigslist Missed Connections about a year ago. And every time I would see a guy I fancied (which is extremely often) but didn't have the balls to talk to him (which is not too often) or wasn't in a situation where I had the ability to talk to him, I would go on Missed Connections and post an ad. You'd be surprised how many times it worked.

The first time, I was in the drive-thru line for In-n-Out Burger, waiting for a milkshake. When I pulled up to the big window they have so you can watch them cook while you're waiting, I was practically face-to-face with an incredibly handsome Joaquin Pheonix lookalike: perfect, muscular build, black hair, green eyes, and without the awkward lip scar. He was just feet from my car, but we were separated by the glass; it was the only time I have ever enjoyed a long wait in the drive-thru, because nothing could have been more appealing to me at that moment than watching his biceps flex while he pushed potatoes through the fry-slicer machine.

I posted a Missed Connection about him, and two days later got a reply from a female friend of his, telling me that not only was he super hot, but was also an incredibly sweet guy. She showed him the post, and he emailed me right away. We ended up going out one night with some of his friends, all of which were super fun. He was super shy in the beginning but the more he drank, the more he seemed to loosen up. By the end of the night we were giddy and holding hands and flirting, and were both completely bombed, so he ended up staying over. We made out passionately for what seemed like hours, and finally fell asleep. When we woke up, I realized he was naked (which I can assure you did not take place while we were making out) and I was fully clothed. The awkwardness and embarrassment of the fact that he had drunkenly gotten naked in a stranger's bed without intention to proved to be too much for poor Joaquin, who sheepishly got dressed, I drove him home, he gave me a very shy kiss, and we never talked again.



The absolute most amazing MC story was on the 405-South. I was driving south to stay with a friend of mine, when I started to come up on a beautiful, brand new 6-series BMW... didn't even have a license plate yet. The license plate frame was from a law school. I had to see who was driving this thing. Picturing some old, stuffy lawyer, I was shocked to see a very young and VERY good-looking hottie driving it. He looked at me too, smiled, and raced forward. I raced forward too, smiled at him, and sped off. This went on for about 10 miles (and is affectionately known as "flirt-driving") until he exited onto another freeway, waving as he drove off. When I got to my friend's house, I posted a Missed Connection on a whim, in the area of LA that we had been traveling through. I described his car and my car, the situation, where we were, and where he got off. I didn't say the color of our cars though, and said that if he saw it, he should email me and tell me what colors they were.
Early the next morning, I had an email. From him.
You are not going to believe this, but I am the guy from you post. I remember you, as I was checking you out too. My license plate is Santa Clara Law school (I was actually getting home from the office). My BMW is a graphite color (dark grey). You had a lighter colored car if I recall correctly...kind of an orange or rusty type color.
This is crazy, I alway cruise the missed connections sections, but never thought I would be the subject of it. So tell me about you.
Sean

My friend ran in when she heard me screaming about it. I couldn't believe he'd found it! I wrote back.
Wow! I am in shock right now! I never thought that would work but I figured I might as well give it a shot. That is amazing.
Anyway.... you obviously are who I was talking about, you got all the details right. :) My car is a reddish color.... I think they call it salsa red haha. So you work at the law school? Or you're a lawyer? I was planning on going to law school but decided to do hair and makeup instead, big difference, I know.
I was on my way down to Orange County last night from Santa Barbara. I do hair and makeup in a salon right now but when I move I'll be working at the school I went to.
What else? I'm 22, as you probably saw on the ad. I'm from Northern California, in the wine country. Umm... I'm not sure what else to tell you off the top of my head.
What's your story? How old are you?
I seriously can't believe you found my ad, but I'm pretty excited that you did. :)

And then he made himself even better.
No kidding! How random!
Here is my story. I am a lawyer...in Westwood/Brentwood. I am from the Bay Area too....Richmond and Moraga. I really miss it there. I am 28. Since you could only see my head, I am 6'1, 185...very athletic. I live in Marina del Rey ...with my dog Bailey (Beagle). What else would you like to know?
I have never been to Santa Barbara.
Do you have any pics? I tried not to make it obvious that I was checking you out :)
Very nice to meet you :)
Sean

Our email exchange went on for a few weeks. We texted daily, flirted, and couldn't wait to see each other. Unfortunately, by week three his emails started requesting "bikini" pictures, and other toolshed things, which I quickly discouraged and we lost touch.
A few months ago, I was driving through LA and passed the World Savings Bank building on the right side of the 405-south; the building that he works in. I texted him, and we exchanged a few as I drove home. I asked him if he wanted to get together. He said he had a girlfriend now. Oh well.


Anyway... those are a few examples, but definitely not all of them. I still have the urge to post a missed connection every time I see a cute guy that I don't have a chance to charm the pants off of in person. And of course.... always nice to peruse them; you never know when someone is going to write about you!






Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I like you a LATTE!

Let's play a little catch-up about my new favorite Starbucks barista, aka the cute, tall, shaggy haired, blue eyed one, aka.... the Foxista. (cue sigh)

Ever since the day I got stood up at my new Starbucks and discovered the plethora of hotties working behind the counter, I haven't seen Hottie McFirecrotch again, but I'm ok with that, because he has been totally overshadowed by a very attractive and very flirty coworker of his.

So basically.... I've become a full-fledged regular at this location over the course of the past few weeks because I'm totally crushing on this guy. The funny part (and the part that luckily the Foxista doesn't realize) is that A. there are 25 Starbucks far closer to either my home or where I work and B. I really don't even like Starbucks coffee that much. I'm definitely a Coffee Bean girl. But that is besides the point, because my love of Coffee Bean doesn't compare to my enfatuation right now. Love is all about compromise, so they say, right? Ha.

Over the past 20 or so days, my visits have become increasingly interesting. First he read my name off my cup and promised to remember it. The next time, he shouted it excitedly across the store when I walked in, and winked when I left. Ever since then, he not only greets me excitedly every time I come in, but introduces me to whoever he happens to be working with that night as "B*******, the most awesome girl ever." What would even make him think that (considering our conversations have all been under 5 minutes) I don't know, but I'm not complaining. At one point, while making my drink, he reached in his pocket and withdrew his cell phone which he handed me. I took it, confused. "I got a new phone." I handed it back and realized he probably wanted me to put my number in it. (Am I way off base?)

The last time I was in was two nights ago. He said hello in the usual fashion (shouting my name with a huge smile before I'm fully in the door) and took my order. After he rang me up, he said, "I have to tell you, you look really, really nice tonight." I blushed. The woman behind me in line (possibly a little off, but looked normal) said, "Ya you better tell her that after yelling at her." Obviously, we were both totally confused. She insisted that she had 'witnessed' it, and he explained that the volume of his voice had just been elevated because he was so excited to see me, because (like I said) I'm just "so awesome."

As I walked to the end of the counter where he usually makes my drink and chats with me, I found the woman wasn't done. "What you really mean to say is that you think she's GORGEOUS, isn't it?" He told her, unfortunately, he wasn't able to tell customers they're gorgeous while he was at work. She swung around to me and professed, "See??? He thinks you're gorgeous!!!"

So I stood there feeling sufficiently sheepish while he made my coffee. We chatted a bit, and when he handed me my drink (on which he had written a cute nickname version of my name, along with some happy faces) he said, "it was such a pleasure seeing you tonight. I really hope I get to see you again soon." I told him I was sure he would, and he said "no really... I hope you come back again really soon." I blushed my way through the two splendas I still had to mix in and left.


Now here's the thing. On a normal basis, I am any or all of the following: extroverted, flirty, ballsy, seductive, outgoing, forward, or brave. I'm used to being the one that flirts and winks. For whatever reason, this guy makes me feel totally shy and I never know what to say. I try to flirt back, but since he's so forward, I end up totally embarrassed and I end up playing it cool as though I'm not interested. (Which apparently hasn't really worked against me. So that's good.)

Fast forward to tomorrow: VALENTINE'S DAY.
Every girl wants a Valentine. And me, of all girls, thinks its heresy to not celebrate the holiday of my patron saint. And since Cupid (real cupid, not OKCupid this time) hit me right in the venti cup, I figured it was time to be ballsy.

My crafty impulses got the best of me. I went to Michael's to get Valentine supplies, but the idea I came up with was so much better. I stupidly didn't take a picture of it before I packaged it all up and had my friend drop it off at Starbucks tonight, so I'll have to show you the pieces.

Basically, I took a blank puzzle and I wrote with black sticky letters "I like you a LATTE.... Be my Valentine?" on the front, and wrote "Love, B******* (and my phone number)" on the back of it, and then decorated it with lipstick stickers and hearts and puff paint.

Then I broke it apart and I stuffed the takeout box with the red squiggly shredded paper and the confetti and the puzzle pieces.

So yes, I'm a big craft nerd, but I had some friends over while I was making it, and though they made fun of me for putting so much effort into it for someone I don't even know, they were all totally impressed with the final product.

I called Starbucks yesterday and asked who was working Valentine's night, and he wasn't. So I met up with my friend C today and she dropped it off for him... though I guess he wasn't there tonight either, but the girl working said she'd give it to him, and I took extra care to seal it all up so no one can open it without it being totally obvious its been tampered with.



So..... now comes the hard part. I just have to wait and see if he calls me. I've run through a few different possible scenarios:

  • He calls, he loves it, he loves me, and we end up dating. Some day, we tell this story at our wedding reception. (I'm a girl.... we all have these little daydreams, even if I'm the only one that admits it.)
  • He calls, says thank you, but that he's seeing someone. Or he's not interested. Or he's gay. I smile through the embarrassment, and get really hammered that night and tell the story to everyone I meet.
  • He calls, he's flattered, we go out, and he A. turns out to be a total weirdo or B. we have no chemistry. We go our separate ways, and I never go to that Starbucks again.
  • He doesn't call.

If he doesn't.... c'est la vie. I can go to one of the other 150 coffee places that are closer to my house anyway.

..... But I'm not going to say I wouldn't be just a little disappointed.



Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Curiousity killed the cat.

The time has come, boys and girls. The Disclaimer

Here's the deal. I go on a lot of dates. I'm totally boy-crazy. I meet a lot of interesting guys and have some pretty crazy, noteworthy experiences that seem to entertain the people that read this.
Granted, in order to write this, I have to write about these people. And in order to give you the full, nitty-gritty story, I have to be as blunt as I can.

As much of an effort as I make to be sure that I keep this anonymous and totally separate from the people that I am dating, apparently there is still a little leak. So here goes.



I don't show guys this blog because I AM PROBABLY GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THEM. I don't want to sensor what I say or think about a person or a situation because I'm thinking they're going to see it. I use this space to VENT, to UNLOAD, and to SPEAK MY MIND, completely unadulterated and without restriction.

There is an obvious reason you (the general you, as well as the you that clearly went to a lot of trouble to find this) were not invited to read this. I am not a cruel person. I like to think that I have a good heart and I treat people with the respect that I expect in return. I would never say the things that I say here (in an anonymous, personal forum) to someone's face.


THERE IS A REASON I DO(/DID) NOT GIVE YOU THE URL.


And even on top of that, if you and I are no longer seeing or speaking to each other (or at least, I am no longer responding to your text messages, especially those I receive at 4 in the morning, after I have clearly expressed I don't wish to be in contact with you again), and you decide that you want to spend X amount of time researching and googling and scouring the internet trying to find my blog, I DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR WHAT YOU FIND. This was your time spent and your decision to read something you were clearly asked not to.

And that's that! That is all I have to say. If feelings get hurt, that is unfortunate, but you have no one to blame but yourself.



And on a sidenote:
Saying "go fuck yourself" in a text message about said
findings is foolish and only embarrassing for you because
A. you make it really obvious that you are as young in character as you are in age, and
B. I already do, sans your invitation or permission, thank you very much.



If you've come across this blog, it's your own damned fault for looking for it.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Sex and the Sushi

Just a thought..

I have this friend, and I've realized after quite a few experiences of eating sushi together that I can't go with him anymore.

We go to sushi, and we have a great time. We go out to the car; he inevitably ends up eating either one of those sour Ice Breakers things or a piece of sour apple gum, and the result is always the same. I'm not sure how to put it without being totally blunt, but basically his breath smells like he just finished giving someone head.

Invariably, and totally out of my control, this is far too much of a turn-on for me to feel comfortable in close proximity to him and I end up jumping out of the car like a bat out of hell.

Has anyone else had this experience? Why does sushi and sour apple candy cause pussy breath?


He finally talked me into telling him what the big deal is, and teases me about it now. Mercilessly. Great.



Btw, this sushi game's cute!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

The most epic week in history.

Firstly, I apologize for the lack of posts the last week. I really am very sorry (and appreciate the concern and emails); I am in fact ok, and I have just been up to my neck in sexy boys... that's all. :)

And secondly, if you had any idea what has been going on, you would understand my need to gather my thoughts before I write about it.

So. Let's do this day by day.


Last Friday

My potential hat trick, which ended up being one date with an excrutiatingly attractive, yet very odd little guy for lunch, being stood up at Starbucks (but scoping out a few major hotties that work there) and then meeting a few duds at the bar with my roommates. Plus a substantial amount of turning down the weird OKC hottie (Kelly) from lunch, who despite having said he was going to be too busy to hang out 'til the coming Thursday, kept asking if I would meet up with him again. I said no, and we made plans to hang out Thursday. I asked if he was a "smitten kitten." He wrote back, "meow!" Classic.


Saturday
After working all day, I rushed home to change, extravagate (v: to make extravagant) my makeup, and throw some overnight shit in a bag, and headed off to West Hollywood to hang with my super sexy gay friends. It was absolutely pouring rain so the drive took a bit longer than expected. While I was driving I got a phone call from Ken, a plastic surgeon in LA that found me on OKCupid, and we chatted for a bit and made plans to have afternoon mojitos for Sunday Funday the next day. I finally arrived at my friends' apartment where we had shots out of beakers and cabbed it down to Fiesta Cantina (quickly becoming my very favorite place) where we partied all night with some of the hottest guys I've ever seen in person (admittedly pretty torturous... but great eye candy nonetheless). I made a new BFF, Peter, a really sexy tall brunette who I hung out with all night, hand in hand, and he got me sufficiently drunk by buying me two drinks at a time. I intoxicatedly set him up for a threesome with two other sexy guys. Ha! Such is life. I've heard I'm a great matchmaker... guess it follows in the gay world too. Eventually my friends and I made it back to their apartment where I was so drunk I couldn't lay down without spinning, and was basically just a walking disaster.
We woke up the next day around 10 (thank the holy heavens I didn't have to work), though I stayed in bed 'til 1, unable to move without wanting to die instead. I texted Ken to tell him there was no way I could touch a mojito, and he agreed and suggested food instead. He called me soon after to cancel because he had to go calm down a patient in a panic, thinking his stitches were coming apart. Ew!
When I got back in the evening I freshened up and headed over to my new favorite Starbucks for my signature drink of choice and a little flirting with the boys behind the counter. I've decided to become a regular. Unfortunately, Hottie McFirecrotch wasn't working.... but one of the other hotties was.
After getting home, I spend a long while online chatting with a few different people; namely the Ex, who I've done quite a bit of texting/iming/chatting with on the phone as of late. Upon telling him about his long-lost redhead twin, he tells me he's probably evil and I should stay as far away from him as I can. And admits to maybe being a little jealous. Interesting..


Sunday
I worked all day as usual, somehow still a bit hungover. You know you've had a great time when you're hungover for two days, I always say. And it really doesn't happen often. Texted briefly with Ken about hanging out with him sometime this week... I can't say he's exceptionally attractive, but he's nice looking, passionate about what he does, ambitious, smart, and seems like a very nice guy. When I got home, one of my best friends imed me about a reggae concert on February 8th, which seemed random, considering I'm not really a huge fan of reggae or anything... I mean its ok, but I don't go out of my way to see it live. Anyway, she explained that she and this guy she's been dating for a few months were going, but that her guy was bringing one of his best friends (again, named Peter.... guess its a good name for sexy boys), who she described as REALLY REALLY HOT, and that I just had to meet him.
Ok, I'll take the bait.

So she sent me his myspace profile, and she wasn't lying. Not only does he have classically sexy, masculine good looks (strong jaw line, nice body, green eyes, tan skin, sexy smile, etc... think a young Val Kilmer) but he's really into kite surfing, he's an engineer (smart is oh-so-sexy), and is Czech.... and has a slight accent. So I start drooling on my keyboard and enthusiastically agree to go.
Ended the night as I have been for the past few weeks, texting flirty messages back and forth with the Ex. Hard to turn that back burner off, as it turns out.


Monday
After working all day, me and my friend C from work met up at my new fave Starbucks for some coffee and oogling... though yet again, my sexy redhead was nowhere to be found. The other hottie, the tall blue-eyed boy with shaggy brown hair and a disarming smile, was though, and I wasn't complaining. He made my drink and winked at me when I picked it up. C and I sat and talked awhile, and ended up going to Maki Monday since we were both starving. I managed to down a beer (after having professed that I was "never drinking again" the day before) and a few rolls. After telling her all about my most recent trip to Weho, we made plans to go next time our schedules both allow it.

Tuesday
Worked all day again (I basically live there), and found out I finally got some time off to see my family up north; coincidentally where the Ex lives as well. He seemed excited about the news and we made enthusiastic plans to spend my first day together. At lunch I texted with Weird OKC Hottie (Kelly), who insisted that we have dinner, despite having been "booked" last time he checked. I gave in and told him I hate making decisions, so he picked a Japanese place by his house, and I headed over there after work.
It was the type of place where you order a bunch of little plates of stuff, which is really awesome except when you are, again, someone who hates making decisions. I told him just to order since he knows what I like, and he did, gladly. And for whatever reason that was a huge turn on. He wrote up a list of a ton of stuff on the back of the sushi sheet and handed it to our waitress. We had an alright conversation, a little strained, but the 4 glasses of plum wine helped a lot. By the end we were flirty, we walked out holding hands, and he kissed me. We ended up back at his apartment down the street (VERY clean... almost creepy clean) and watched Planet Terror (turns out Zombies oozing pus out of large facial boils is not the most romantic thing ever, but oh well) and cuddled, and made out a lot... which was good except for once every few minutes he'd shove his tongue down my throat out of the blue and I kept saying, "dude, chill out." But it didn't work. We laid there talking for awhile (and to be perfectly honest with you, a few of his comments and big sudden changes in mood were causing my crazy radar to go off, but.... eh), and it somehow came up that he has a "type," which has turned out to be, in blunt terms, fat chicks.
He told me that, in all honesty, I was just not his type physically because I'm too skinny (his word, not mine), but he just thinks that I'm so gosh darn beautiful that it doesn't bother him. Now, in my right mind, that would be an amazing thing to hear (what girl doesn't want to be told she's almost too skinny?) but, what? You're into fat chicks? What? He told me his ideal range is 160-250. Instantly this is a huge turn off (also, keep in mind that he's about 5'6", 145 lbs), but I'm kinda buzzed still and change the subject back to making out. Eventually he walks me out and insists that he sees me again; I agree to it for whatever reason.


Wednesday
Another long, tediously slow day at work, filled with gossiping about boys and eyeing the hotties I work with (one nice perk of my job) that I have crushes on... a girl can never have too many, if you ask me. Spend an hour on the phone with the Ex after work; I still get butterflies when I see him name on the caller id. Sue me. We hung up when he got a call on the other line, and I never heard from him again.


Thursday
Finally a day off for yours truly, thank GOD. Needless to say, I did hardly anything with it, as usual (other than the same boring errands as every other day off, and a trip, of course, to my fave Starbucks for a little sight-seeing.... Firecrotch STILL not there, what the heck??), until the late afternoon when I drove a friend to the airport. I'd texted Ken (the plastic surgeon) earlier in the day to ask what his plans are, and he said we should get dinner in the Marina. After I left the airport I was on my way up to LA, but made him promise we could go somewhere super casual, as I was in a pony tail and converse (which I can assure you with the utmost honesty is not how I would EVER consider presenting myself for a first date... But I didn't have time to go all the way back to my house and change, and just thought what the hell). I got there 90 minutes later (forgot about rush hour) and met up with him at the El Torito on the water.
Having thought he was a super sweet guy, I was unpleasantly surprised that he remained on his cell phone for the first 10 minutes of the date, yelling into the phone at his assistant about why he needs the window seat in the emergency exit aisle of the plane, or he's not flying. Hot. A totally self-obsessed, mannerless control freak? Sounds good to me! When he finally hung up we started talking, only to find that he was about 1,000% more egotistical and obnoxious than I had gathered on the phone. Eventually the conversation turned to a question I'm sure anyone would naturally have on their mind: "When you meet people, are you thinking about what you could do to them to make them look better?" He answered, "only on dates," which I laughed at, assuming he was being sarcastic.
What followed was a 5 minute, hands-on examination of my forehead in El Torito (him leaning completely over the table, pulling hard at my skin and angling my head in different ways); the result of which was a suggestion for a mere 40 ccs (or oz or grams or pounds or however you measure it) of botox every five months. He attempted to lift my chin off the table (which of course had fallen open in utter shock and horror) by telling me, "don't worry! No biggie! I'll do it at cost since I know you." Well, this was off to a beautiful start.
Eventually after he realized that was maybe not the perfect first date conversation, he went on to tell me why, other than a few "minor wrinkles" forming on my head, I have the ideal face, and described in detail how each of my features are ideal (other than the disaster that's going on above my eyes, apparently): How my nose is the perfect angle and size, my eyes are the ideal distance apart and a perfect shape, etc. I told him he was full of shit and he told me he majored in Classical Art before med school, and does medical illustration on the side. Fair enough.
Somehow, after picking at my salmon fajitas, he convinced me to go to this local hot spot in Venice, called The Brig (which is pronounced with a hard G, though it looks surprisingly like my nickname) and meet up with friend he went to med school with. This was all starting to sound like some gangrape set-up, so I insisted on taking my own car. I followed him (in his obnoxious black Corvette convertible... of course) and found that the place has a huge mural on the outside of a Cougar with a painful-looking cameltoe and a much older sugardaddy. And then my name painted in huge letters above it. I SO regret not taking a picture with my camera phone (sorry, this is the best I could find). I hope this is not a glimpse into my future.
We went in and got drinks, which he said he would pay for (duh) but that I should know right now that he's not the kind of guy who is going to "take care" of anyone, and that I shouldn't expect him to pay my rent. Are you serious? We got a table and by this point he was hardly speaking (other than him telling me about growing up in Canada.... what is it with me and Canadians lately??), but was pretty much just staring at me wistfully, and for whatever reason seemed to be getting increasingly nervous. I finally asked what was up. "Honestly... the more time I spend with you, the more I realize you're really fucking cool and the more I'm worrying about impressing you." Blah blah... told me he was totally smitten, etc. I'm not sure what it is I'm doing to guys this week, but I'm casting some sort of weird spell.
So his friend arrives, and is the complete opposite of Ken; he's a total hippie pot doctor with longish hair and a very calming demeanor. I spend most of the night talking to him because he's A. really cool B. married and totally not a skeeze and C. is clearly aware that his friend Ken is a total tool shed (ie apologizing for his forehead exam, etc). After a little while he disappears to play pool and somehow Ken ends up grabbing me and kissing me. Have you ever had someone kiss you, that you were totally not into kissing, so you forget to close your eyes, and here you are, looking right at this very unsexy person trying to make out with you with their eyes closed? It's not a pretty sight. I think I kissed back for a second but he has a goatee and I got grossed out by the whole situation and told him I had to go home (to which he kept replying, "just call in sick! I'll give you a doctor's note!"). He made me promise he could see me again. (Barf.) Texted with the Ex on the drive home, and told him all about the awful date of the evening and did some flirting as per the usual, though he seemed very distracted.


Friday
Back to the ol' grindstone for me. After I got off work I was just so freaking tired I couldn't even think about anything but putting on yoga pants and writing this. Sitting on my laptop around 9:45pm, I get an IM from the friend who invited me to the reggae concert for this coming Friday. She asks what I'm doing. I say nothing. She tells me she's sitting outside the random bar down the street, about to meet up with her boy and The Sexy Czechy and that she refuses to go inside until I get there. So I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, trying to throw on something cute and put back on the makeup I'd rubbed off and make myself presentable enough to meet a MAJOR hottie.
I rush over and we meet up, I introduce myself, and spend the remainder of the night doing one of the following things: A. briefly flirting with him B. forgetting about/ignoring him (extremely effective when attempting to smittify [v: to woo someone into smitten-ness] those who are exceptionally attractive; it catches them off guard) C. making fun of all the ridiculous dancers at this really strange, trashy club in the middle of suburbanville, or D. drinking. By the end of the night, The Sexy Czechy was pretty much following me around like a puppy and his body language was a big "I have a big crush on you" billboard. After he bought me another drink I told him we had to go, and as the four of us departed, he grabbed my hand and held it all the way out to the car, where he insisted I give him my number (though I very coolly suggested he get my "contact info" from his friend when he said he had to see me again) hugged me for an extra long time, and then kissed me. And then again as I was getting in the car. Mission accomplished.
Texted with the Ex when I got home; didn't mention tonight's new boy. Got online and found this guy (we'll call him Fick) that found me on OKCupid (we've been iming/texting/talking on the phone, you know the drill) was online. He imed me and invites me to Taco Tuesday this week at his usual place, where I have never been, and tells me he's burning me a mixtape. Hot!


Saturday (yesterday)
The last day of our fiscal year at work, and completely out of control, but very financially successful. C and I met up afterwards at le Starbucks for some hottie-watching... yet again, the redhead wasn't there! What the f-! But as always, the cute shaggy-haired guy was working. As he was making my drink, he started making some awkward conversation with me.

"How's your night going?"
"...eh...Good.... how's yours?"
"Good now, I'm about to get off."
"Cool.... how long have you worked here?"
"Since July. Where do you work?" I told him, he asked me which location, I told him, he asked me what part. Hmm.
He finished making my drink and went to hand it to me, but took it back and looked at my name on the side, "B*******, huh?"
"Yep."
"Well mine's Randall. It's nice to finally meet you," ....uh.... "You were in here the other day right? You were sitting over in that corner for awhile, on your phone?"
".... yeah."
"Cool... (about 10 seconds of really intense eye contact) Well it was nice to meet you, B*******." And winked.
So I go sit with C, and after a few minutes he comes over with a tray of samples, which he offers to me, using my name. Oh jeez.
My roommate calls me and talks me into going with her to a party that's being thrown by a guy she was friends with in college, but hasn't talked to in over a year, and won't know anyone. Me and C rush back to my house, throw on heels and more appropriate party attire (uggs and a polo just weren't gonna do it for me) and head over to a house party that turns out to be straight out of a movie. They have a huge, very nice house in the pocket of a culdesac, that is the quintessential bachelor pad: four 25 year old guys living in a house complete with a pool table, a "love den" (seriously... a sunken room with shag carpets bean bag chairs and a fireplace), two gigantic tvs, Wii, a full built-in bar, a beer pong room, and (cherry on the sundae) a stripper pole. Needless to say, all of those elements were utilized by all three of us at some point during the night, though not necessarily in that order.
As it turns out, her friend from college throwing the party is VERY cute, VERY funny, VERY nice, and VERY flirty. Throughout the night we hung out and flirted and took shots and such every once in awhile, and I was crushing on him in a big way (though I think he's just a flirty guy). At some point I start telling him and his roommates about this guy I went out with the other day that likes fat chicks (Kelly, the weird OKC hottie), and since there were a few at the party, we decide its a good idea to call him and tell him to come over and meet them, which I do. In my drunken state this seemed like a fabulous plan, but as it turned out, he was incredibly clingy to start off with (for example, kept KISSING me in front of the guy throwing the party, and all the other cute guys I'd been flirting with all night.... what a cockblock) and then hurt that I was "trying to pawn him off," and then was totally dramatic when I was trying to explain that him liking fat chicks is just kind of a huge turn off and it was just not going to work out between us, even though I am painfully attracted to him and he really hasn't done anything wrong.... literally to a point where my friends had to come over and talk him out of bursting into tears. He finally says he has to go, and wouldn't even hug me goodbye. It was horrendous, and in hindsight I realize I was probably being a very awful (and drunk) person but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing. Eh.
My friends and I leave around 3:30am because 2/3 of us had to work today (me and C unfortunately) though the party was still definitely going strong. Her sexy friend walks out with us, with his arm around my waist and asks if he'll see me again, I tell him to call me (and then recall the drunken note I scribbled on the back of a receipt I found on his desk that says "Dear J***, you're cute, I wanted you to know I think so, call me love, B*******" except with no phone number, that I left on his laptop)
Finally, around 4 in the morning I crawl into my bed, drunk as a skunk and dreading work today.


Today
Got ready for work slowly and carefully, as to not wake the hangover monster lurking inside of me. Turns out only C and I were working, so it turned out to be a pretty fun day.
Headed over to le Starbucks after work to grab a coffee, but neither hottie was there. Came home and started this entry (literally HOURS ago), and got an im from the Ex, saying that he doesn't know why he "always lies" to me. GREAT. He fills me in on everything he's really been doing this week, though he's been telling me completely other things all along: meeting some girl visiting from Kentucky, spending almost every night with her at his friend's house, hooking up with her, taking her to the airport, and now missing her and talking to her all the time. Once again, the Ex has the uncanny ability to make me go from happy-go-lucky to sick-to-my-stomach anxious in less than 10 seconds. Eventually I told him I couldn't talk about it anymore, and after apologizing to me extensively, he was off to bed with the resolution to be a better person to me from now on.
I'll believe it when I see it.

Other than that crap, which I'm really over (though I've been saying that for three years and my feelings still haven't changed, which I wish I could explain), there are a lot of promising things happening this week; mainly Taco Tuesday with Fick, and the reggae concert on Friday. I haven't heard from Czech Peter since we met on Friday, but I figure maybe he's following the three-day rule.

Should be another good week. I'll try to fill you in on a more consistent basis, if schedule allows. :)


(P.S. Talk about recovering from a dry spell!)

Friday, February 1, 2008

Potential Boyfriend Questionnaire

Stolen (borrowed!) from one of my fabulously sexy gay Weho friends. Feel free to fill it out in a comment if you feel like it.... or better yet, if you are seriously applying, you can always email it to me. Include pictures please. :) haha...


1. What is your favorite non basic color....?
(ie not in your basic rainbow.... his favorite happened to be cum stain white... interesting)

2. Would you rather live in an ice mansion located in the Arctic circle, a wooden shack in the Carribean, an elven tree house in the Canadian forest, or Milwaukee? Why?

3. Name three colors in your eyes.

4. In your opinion, what is the best date movie, and why?

5. Pen, pencil, or quill?

6. What is the capital of Assyria?

7. Where do you prefer to get clothes? American Eagle/A&F, H&M, Heritage, Nordstrom Rail, Thrift Store or Garbage? Or other? Please specify.

8. When you are at the ceremony of your wedding, what music is playing?

9. What is the first thing you think about in the morning... if you think at all?

10. Which liquor is most like you, and why?

11. What do you dream about most often?

12. How do your parents feel about your life?

13. A relationship is (please select the closest answer):

  • They are like a great wine to me... they compliment me when I am out with friends, and they are a good friend to me as well.
  • A rush of emotion... someone I attach myself to and can't imagine living without.
  • They are nothing like me at all; different tastes, different hobbies, etc... but for some reason, we mesh.
  • My partner in crime. If I'm hungry for strawberries, they more than likely will be stealing some for me.
  • They are HOT. Who cares what they're like? I don't take the time to get to know them well.
14. Please list any and all special attributes, related experience, or special skills that may set you apart from other applicants.

 

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