Rich Guys, Pt II

Thinking you've found "the one" before you've met said "one" really only sets you up for a healthy dose of disappointment, I've found.

As I've mentioned before in my post Rich Guys and Kelly Clarkson, I playfully signed up for a website called Millionaire Match, which has all kinds of people, but more importantly rich, handsome, entrepreneurial ones (what could be better, I ask). The interesting thing about the site is that when you sign up for it, it asks if you make over $150 grand a year. If you say no, you are grouped in the non-millionaire club and there is nothing on your profile related to income. If you say that you make $150+, you are asked to specify (the max category they offer is $1Billion a year, but I have yet to see one of those profiles). For those wealthy members that want to obliterate any shred of doubt, there is a Certified Millionaire option, where they can fax in their W4s from the previous year to verify that they do, in fact, make as much money as they claim they do. These members receive a sparkling ruby emblem on their profile next to their yearly income.


And after exchanging a few lighthearted emails with the hot Persian fashion mogul I mentioned in Rich Guys, we decided we were going to hang out. We spent a few weeks texting for days and spending hours on the phone chatting and laughing, and it seemed clear that we had chemistry. I found him on the pompous side (his entire profile is quoted directly from Zoolander.... as in "I'm sure there's more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking"... you know what I mean) and he makes a lot of comments like "try not to daydream about me too much," but I took them with a grain of salt and figured he had a healthy sense of humor. Plus, in his pictures he looks like he actually is ridiculously good-looking. And to make matters better, he's under 30, is totally intelligent, makes me laugh like crazy, and is certified as making $1Million+ a year. Not bad.

The day finally came to hang out with the hot Persian fashion mogul (or Zoolander, as he will now be referred to) and I was beyond nervous. I spent the day shopping for new clothes (they had to at least look expensive... he's not only rich beyond reason but also owns a clothing company for God's sakes), getting my nails done, tanning, exfoliating, deep conditioning, moisturizing, and so on. Forget any flaws he might have; I wanted to seem as flawless as possible, since on paper this guy was just that.

I told him that I was going to meet up with an old friend for a little while before we hung out, which he said was totally fine as he'd be getting home from the gym and showering at that point. As it turned out, my old friend likes to talk a lot (I guess I had forgotten that part) and our one drink turned into a long-ass dinner. Except that I didn't eat anything but a bloody mary because me and Zoo were supposed to eat at some chic new restaurant in Weho, so I sat there wishing he would eat faster and staring at his delicious-looking mashed potatoes. I texted Zoolander a few times, apologizing profusely for my tardiness, but he assured me it was no problem at all. I finally got out of there and rushed over to his hot Hollywood home, now 45 minutes late.

The directions he gave me were clear, and he described his house as the one with a lot of lights and a yellow Corvette in the driveway. He was right; of the whole street, his house was by far the most well-lit, which showcased an amazing modern style concrete porch area sitting proudly in front of a three story house and beautiful landscape. And the yellow Corvette was not the only flashy car in his long driveway.... only the brightest. I knocked on the door, shaking a bit and trying to breathe deeply.

When he opened it, I was actually relieved to see he wasn't as perfect as I imagined. He stood at about 5'8" and had a big nose and a white blazer over a blue shirt. He was extremely welcoming though, and after asking for it gave me a little tour of his house. It was very lightly furnished; he told me he hadn't lived there long and was remodeling it. He showed me his kitchen (my favorite part of any house) and it was surprisingly small. I found a small Menorah in a glass cabinet. "Are you Jewish?" "Only on holidays," he told me. He took me upstairs and showed me his rec room, music room, art room, lofts, and finally his master bedroom - complete with the most gigantic, mahogany 4-poster bed, which he said he got in an auction of late 16th century royal furniture. I tried not to act too impressed. We went back downstairs.

The one thing I couldn't take my eyes off of, though, was a wall-sized painting of the famous moment when Britney Spears and Madonna kissed on stage at the MTV VMA's. I asked about it, and he told me he painted it, along with a few ocean scenes hanging in the kitchen that also closely resembled photographs. Impressive! He said he was working on a collection of important moments in Pop Culture.... sexy.

I sat down in his living room in front of his 50" Flat Panel Plasma TV hanging on the wall to watch some music videos while he made us drinks and called a cab. We chatted and drank until it arrived. He said it seemed a bit late for dinner but we should go out for some drinks and maybe an appetizer. As much as I had been totally starving, I had already started to get my buzz on and had pretty much lost my appetite anyway.

We got in the cab and sped off to the Sofitel's Stone Rose Lounge, a totally swanking hotel bar that was packed with good-looking LA socialites. He asked if they were still serving appetizers - the cocktail waitress said they had closed the kitchen an hour ago. He handed her something, and asked, "are you sure?" She scurried off and came back with good news. We ordered some crab thing (I was too drunk at this point to really care about reading the menu) and got a table. We sat intimately close, which somehow seemed comfortable already. There was just something about him I connected to. It didn't have anything to do with what he does or what he has, but there's just something about him that puts me at ease.

We laughed about how we had come about the Millionaire site; my story paled in comparison to his: Running on the treadmill at the gym next to Tommy Lee (yes, THE Tommy Lee) working on his laptop simultaneously, he told him he thought that was a great idea to bring a laptop to the gym. "I'm on this website, its amazing. You gotta join it," Tommy told him. Millionaire Match, no less. He was sold. (And so am I!)

Our crab thing came and it turned out to be A-MAZING... some totally rich crab/mayo mix on top of sticky rice and stuff, but he wouldn't eat any of it. "Oh my god," I said, "You don't eat shellfish. Why didn't you say something??" Duh. He's Jewish. I'm an idiot. He took a few bites and mmm-ed a little bit to make me feel better. I ate a few more bites and left the rest.

After a few more impressive speciality martinis we headed outside to a glass firepit and continued our conversation. The thing I found most surprising about him was that his cockiness (in jest or not) totally disappeared in person. He seemed completely humbled, and come to think of it, sort of in awe of me. Not that I think I deserve that kind of reaction, but it was certainly nice coming from someone that I was totally intimidated by prior to our meeting.

We got up to leave (I a little unbalanced no less) and he took my hand. Almost outside he stopped and turned to me, and leaned in close. "There's just... something about you... something I'm drawn to, I feel like I can't get enough of you." My heart raced. I smiled and played it cool. He kissed me. My heart raced faster. I kissed back. We pulled away and smiled at each other close.

We practically skipped out to the front, giddy in our newly discovered intimacy. He asked a doorman for a cab, and tipped him when it pulled up. He told the cabbie his address and made out in the backseat like teenagers for a few blocks. He pulled away suddenly, and sat straight up. "Why are you taking Santa Monica," he asked sternly. The cabbie explained he couldn't turn around on the street we'd been on. He pushed. "We could have taken Robertson, why didn't we take Robertson?" They argued back and forth 'til we pulled up to his house. He paid and we walked inside.

"Was that guy trying to stiff me??"

I wasn't sure how to respond. Was he really that concerned with a few extra dollars? Even I wouldn't have given it a second thought, and with my monthly salary being less than what he makes in a single day, I couldn't understand his frustration.

"No... I don't think so. It sounded like he had a reason to go that way."

He insisted he was trying to pull a fast one on him. I suggested that maybe he had a family at home he was struggling to take care of. He told me that wasn't his problem. After a few minutes of this, I tried to reason with him.

"Do you realize how many seconds it takes you to make $3?"

That seemed to calm him down. He made us some more drinks and we cozied up on the couch and made out playfully 'til the wee hours of the morning. I told him I had to leave, he asked me if I wanted to stay. He was worried about my driving after having had quite a few drinks and being tired.

I was so concerned with not staying at his house that I convinced not only him, but myself, that I would be just fine to make the trip home. We made out for the next 20 minutes, slowly inching our way to the door, where we said a sad goodbye and I got in my car and took off, only to realize that I was definitely too drunk to be driving.

(Sidenote: I do NOT under any circumstances condone drunk driving. In fact, I am extremely against it and am always 100% willing to pick up my friends anywhere in the middle of the night, no matter how late. This was a mistake all the way, and one that I won't make again!)

I tried to turn around and go back to his house so I could stay the night, but was lost in a matter of minutes. I drove around for two hours before I was able to find my way to the freeway to get out of LA, and another hour on the freeway back to my house.

Upon arriving home, I burst into tears, never so relieved to be alive.


On a happier note, other than the totally obvious display of awful stereotypical behavior (and I HATE stereotyping) during the second cab ride, I think it was a pretty successful date. He's out of town for a month, but I guess we'll see what happens when he gets back!

I'm not much into clowns.

Finally starting to get over this damn cold (10 days? Really?) I decided to go out with this guy Dave, that found me on OkCupid, who's been hounding me all week for a "coffee" date or something. So cliche, no? Oh well.. not every guy can be blessed with a creative spirit, and he wasn't taking no for an answer, so when I finally got my voice back last night, I agreed to hang out tomorrow, aka this evening.

Not much in the mood for coffee, I redirected the date to the area of dinner - he suggested my very favorite restaurant Memphis (what a lucky guess!) and we met there. I'd seen some pictures of him and thought he was sort of cute; he turned out to be more attractive than I expected (always a nice surprise) and pretty tall. Boring haircut and outfit aside, he has big blue eyes and a charmingly vulnerable smile which gets me every time. We sat down at our table and started talking, and the more we talked the more I realized I hadn't the slightest clue what he did or who he was. The embarrassing part was that he had told me but I guess I've been talking to too many different guys because I have no recollection of the email exchange. Oops!

Anyway, apparently he's some big deal engineer for a local company that makes some really crazy new barcode system, and on the side he buys electronics, refurbishes, sells them, and makes a grip off the difference. Cute, smart, and entrepreneurial? Bring it on.

Though he was a math major in college (which he went to in Canada, where he's from) he actually had pretty impressive social skills, and I only ate a bit of my dinner (cornmeal crusted catfish and dirty rice.... pinch me) because our conversation was flowin' as smoothly as my martinis were going down. So far so good!

Once the bill was paid (which he took care of immediately... sexy) he told me he wasn't ready for the date to be over, I giggled, and he suggested one of my favorite late night spots down the street for a few drinks.

When we got there it was packed but we found a cozy table in the corner, and sat huddled together with our drinks, chatting. The more buzzed I got the more I realized that this date was actually going REALLY well.... like, I really like him! This never happens! We had a lot in common, he was totally interested in everything I had to say, and likewise, he's funny, he makes great eye contact (Girls and Boys: This is incredibly important if you want to come off as confident and comfortable, which you DO) and is super positive about life.

He asked me what my longest relationship was, I told him almost two years. He asked how long ago was that? I said about a year and a half ago. I asked when his last relationship was... his smile dropped and eyes darted away. Uh oh. He told me he didn't like to talk about it much. I pried.

"...10 years ago," he told me. I was buzzed but I did the math.... let's see... he's 28... "You haven't had a girlfriend since you were EIGHTEEN? WHY??"

He went on to tell me that he just couldn't figure it out. He'd meet girls, invite them out, sometimes they would say yes, they'd have at least an ok time, and they'd never hang out again. My crazy-dude radar started to beep annoyingly.

I pressed snooze.

I thought it sounded like a good idea to head back to his townhouse (which he owns, cool) to watch Flight of the Conchords, because nothing beats my two favorite New Zealanders. So funny. So sexy.

He changed into his pajamas and we got onto his bed. Ok, wait. Before I start, you have to visualize the layout of the situation.

Basically, we're laying on his bed, watching tv. During a commercial, he looks over and me with this really cute vulnerable look in his eye, and goes in for a kiss. He's a great kisser! I'm excited! We're kissing, we're happy, we're totally vibing on each other.

The show comes back on and I pull away and get back to watching... always playing the interested and then slightly-disinterested and then interested again card, works every time. (If you haven't read the Art of Seduction yet, DO.)

Except, ALAS! Our three minute makeout sesh has proved QUITE the turn-on for Dave, who is now sporting a more impressive tent than the Ringling Bros "Best Show on Earth," or whatever.... I'm not much into circuses anyway.

(More epic than this)

As you can see from my diagram, said tent-poppage is in my DIRECT line of vision, and seeing as he clearly hadn't taken any notice of the fact that I had noticed, I felt even more awkward. So here I am, laying there, and trying to look ANYWHERE but the TV. I check my phone. I send a text message. I ask him about the photography on the wall.

(Sidenote: Don't get me wrong, people. Being a girl in her early 20's with the libido of a bunny, I have no problem with boner. In fact, I like boner. I'm flattered by boner. Boner means fun things are to come. It means progress. It means we're in business. All fun aside, though, I'm still an old-fashioned girl and this was just not the appropriate time for boner. It was clear to both of us.)

(Sidenote #2: The good news is he's clearly packing some serious heat... there wasn't much left to the imagination.)

After the longest 45 seconds of my life, I heard him gasp and roll over uncomfortably, rigid with embarrassment. Maybe the track pants were a poor choice, my friend. "Do you want something to drink??" He jumps up and crosses awkwardly diagonally in front of the bed towards the fridge as to not display his obscene profile. Upon arriving at said fridge, he opens it and stands in it. "Is it hot in here?! It feels hot. Are you hot??"

I accepted a Vitamin Water and we layed there watching Flight of the Conchords and probably both wishing we could sink into the bed and disappear. Eventually after it wore off (which took literally like... 10 minutes. You would think the embarrassment/shame that was written all over his face would help calm things down? Guess not) I yawned and said I better go. He walked me out and gave me a less warm/comfortable hug than he welcomed me with.


I can't imagine what a second date would be like, but I can definitely say that he better not wear pajama pants next time. I wonder if this happens with all the other girls?

... Such is life.

Life isn't fair, Pt.1

The girl in the mirror is

A. Sick as all hell (and its been over a week!)

B. Posting this from her Treo, because she is

C. Unable to sign on to the internet.

Ahh! As if being sick isn't enough, I have to lay here in bed, feeling like crap, and I can't even play with OKCupid or have flirty AIM conversations. :(

It seems as though one of the many evil viruses infecting my laptop has attacked my wireless card... is this possible? It keeps saying there are wireless networks in range, but when I go to view them it says there aren't any, and won't connect.

Wah.

So if any of you readers happen to be sexy tech-whizzes and want to email me (dateinthelife@gmail.com) ideas on how to fix this problem.... I would be MUCH oblidged.

'Til then.... muah!

*cough*

If it were this complicated, I would give up fooling around for good.

Sexual Consent

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(Thank you to T. for this video)

Can you imagine?

Thank god most guys aren't so opposed to Article 17.

My new favorite waste of time

After calling in sick this morning (yes, New Year's Day, and no, not because I'm hungover, since I stayed home last night and watched tv with my friends... I'm actually super sick, and yes, my work HATES me right now and I'm sure totally doesn't believe me) I've been in bed relaxing all day, since there's not much else I can do.

That much downtime requires some entertainment, which has been a cross between these:

and also OkCupid:

Thanks to College Callgirl for the recommendation!

It has turned out to be totally entertaining. There aren't many things I like more than taking quizzes/filling out surveys about myself (other than making out with hotties and eating sushi) and seeing as its a cross between a never-ending quiz and a dating site (that functions off of the way you answer questions and the way you want your matches to answer questions) its kind of a match made in heaven, so to speak.

Not only does the website write its own questions, but members have the opportunity to submit their own questions, most of which are used in the basic test. There are also tons of additional specific quizzes that you can choose from and get a personality profile on your main page. I took the Dating Persona Quiz. Apparently I'm a "Maid of Honor," which kind of sounds like the "always the bridesmaid, never the bride" type of situation, but apparently I'm a perfect catch?

The Maid of Honor
[Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLM)]

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience,
you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love.
You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...
...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.


Always avoid: The False Messiah (DBLM), The 5-Night Stand (DBSM), The Vapor Trail (RBLM), The Bachelor (DGSM)

Consider: The Gentleman (DGLM), someone just like you.

Take the quiz: Dating Persona Test
Post your scores as a comment if you want. :)

(Please note my favorite question: "If you have ever had an STD, click here." Hilarious!)

I've already taken 200 basic questions aside from this quiz (I know... I've had all day), some of which are
"Would you consider dating someone you knew was married?" or "Have you ever had an STD?" or "What is your opinion of having a female president?"

So far, I've received 3 ims, 7 messages, and been favorited by 2 members. Interesting! I'll keep you updated if I actually plan on meeting anyone. There's actually a few cute ones on there.