Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Lesson in Catastrophe

Sometimes relationships end in total disaster. And I'm not one to stereotype beyond reason, but there are some common mistakes that some of you make in relationships.... particularly girls.

I know, I know... I'm a girl. But that doesn't mean I don't feel like some of our population is giving a whole lot of us a very bad reputation. I'm referring, of course, to the "crazy girl."

You know the one; in the beginning she seems like a cool chick to hang out with. You start to feel a little weird when she starts showing up at your work all the time, but write it off as friendly, until the day you realize she figured out your voicemail password and has been checking your messages. Before you know it, you've got a "crazy girl" on your hands. I think we've all known one of 'em. (More on the "crazy girl" I've encountered later.)

Before I get into details, you'll need the background: On St. Patrick's Day, I went out one time with this guy Coors from OKCupid. It was fun and all, but not noteworthy or second date worthy. Just wasn't really any chemistry. It's important that you note the second comment on that post. (And also the three consecutive, yet different comments on this one.)

The comments were posted over two months after that one unmemorable time we hung out, and I hadn't talked to Coors since. But curiosity got the best of me, and I had to ask what on earth he'd done to this girl to cause so much resentment, so I IMed him. Initially, he wasn't sure who the girl was. He came to the conclusion that it was a girl he'd been seeing and had hung out with a few times, and was (as far as he knew) getting along just fine with her. He told me about the few dates they had in detail (and trust me, I asked every question I could think of), and neither of us could figure out what she was so pissed off about. He said he wasn't going to tell her he'd seen the comments, since he knew she'd laugh it off or have an excuse anyway.

Sure enough, about a week later she sent me an email apologizing for being "dumb" and explaining that she was joking. We exchanged a few emails about what had brought them about, and when she told me that he couldn't "communicate" and she wanted to talk about what they were and if they were in a relationship (eek, after hanging out a few times?) I suggested she just relax and enjoy where it was going instead of over-analyzing it. She wrote back a few emails that I didn't respond to, one of which being something along the lines of, "I hear you keep texting and IMing him, lay off my boyfriend." Funny, since I'd IMed him only that once. I shrugged it off and forgot all about it.

A few months went by, and their messy interaction was the farthest thing from my mind. Then a few weeks ago, as I was checking my email, a G-Chat window appeared from our leading lady. In a complete panic, she begged me to IM him and ask him to talk to her, because apparently they'd gotten in an argument and he had blocked her on Instant Messenger. (Pretty immature, but the guy has the right to talk to, or not talk to, whoever he wants.) I refused of course. I like to think I'm far more reasonable than to get involved in some crazy girl's dilemmas.

She gave me a frantic recap of their fight, and told me how she was so in love with him but he was totally unable to talk about his feelings and communicate with her. So I started asking her what it was about him that she DID like, and she couldn't really pinpoint anything other than the fact that he was the first serious relationship she'd been in for awhile and that she'd slept with him within a week of meeting him. Fabulous. Although I refused to get involved in the chaos between the two of them, I gave her plenty of really tough love. Hey, the girl was talking to me because I write about dating advice. Why not give her what she came here for?

She pleaded with me to talk to him on her behalf, and I finally told her I had to go. I said I'd like to write about the conversation we had, because I think that it's a terrific example of mistakes that girls commonly make, ie coming on WAY WAY too strong.
(Ever heard the soap analogy? The harder you squeeze, the quicker it'll fly right out of your hand.) She panicked and begged me not to.

When I check my email that night, I had the following email from her:
hey go ahead and write the blog..u can even use our names if you would like. he ended up texting me and telling me how hott i was and that he was sorry then i was like ok well can we talk then he says no go fuck yourself. so im done with him and i have a date with another guy tommorow night.

Wow. Really? Thats impressive. So one minute you're obsessively in love with him, then you're calm and want to discuss things, then he tells you to go fuck yourself for no apparent reason at all (totally out of the blue, right?), and now you have a date lined up. How can anyone keep up with that rollercoaster?

Hey girlie,
Just wanted to thank you for taking the time to chat. I ended things with (Coors). I did realize that he was not the guy I wanted to be with.. it was more of the fact that I really liked being with SOMEONE because of the comfort level. It is weird because we ended on a bad note but I am not sad or upset or anything. Maybe just a little bummed which is normal after ANY break up. I actually went out on an amazing date with an amazing guy that i went on a date with about a month ago...so we will see if anything comes from that but I am extremely attracted to him....as for (Coors) ..not so much! Anyways just wanted to fill you in and say thank you!
- Kristen

Wait. You're telling me you're now (less than 24 hours later) totally at peace with the situation, and now you've met a new guy to latch onto? Not only that, but you went on a date with him a month ago (WHILE you were in a relationship that you were desperate to make very serious)? And now you're trying to tell me you weren't attracted to Coors? Unbelievable.

Do you see what I mean? I can't say every girl is like this. I can't even say that every "crazy girl" is like this. But damn, girl. You give meaning to the commonly heard phrase from guys all over the globe; "I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

I wouldn't be either!

Footnote: I emailed him a few days ago, when I rejoined OKCupid (after having deleted it upon meeting/falling quickly for Erwin) and saw he was still on there. I asked, "so, meet any new crazies lately?" He wrote back and told me that she had been making up fake screen names pretending to be me, and kept IMing him trying to trick him into talking to her.

No, I'm serious.

Girls: STOP BEING CRAZIES! Jeez la weez. I know its easy to get so upset and hurt over a guy that you feel like you need to talk to him, but please do not resort to psychotic behavior. You are making the rest of us look bad!

Boys: We are not all like this. NOT AT ALL. So get over your fears of "relationships" and start being open to meeting open, honest, and stable women. :) You never know who you're passing up!

17 people had something to say:

LUCA Chocolate said...

Wow. That is fascinating stuff. She really puts a new spin on crazy.
I actually met my boyfriend on OKCupid, after years of on again off again match.com dating (which i think just proves it's more of a numbers/getting-to-know-what-you-really-want thing than one dating method is better than another).
Of course, that was after IMing with an OKCupid gem who informed me that "he was really aggressive when he liked a girl, because he had to make up for not losing his virginity until he was 24"...oy vey.

Simon said...

She is him, using a fake name, think about it.

Lyla Lou said...

Yayyy! You're back! And yes, I know exactly what kind of crazies you are talking about. That girl is pretty up there on crazy level. Fake screen names? Over it the next day? Insane! I second your plea...please crazies, you are making us all look bad!

PS. I knew a girl who faked a pregnancy and faked an abortion so she could try to keep her guy. It's so sad because she is so beautiful, but completely insane!

The Girl in the Mirror said...


Me too! I can't believe more than one girl has pulled that one. That's my next post!



dater x said...

How incredibly awk for you! I try to stay away from crazies like that. But every once in a while, you get wrapped into something.

Even guys can get crazy. I have met some and they are just too intense and emotional. Too bad there isn't a way to bring together the crazies of both sexes. :)

PubMaven said...

When I was in college I worked with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend who kindly relayed to the whole staff of my workplace that I was a "crazy ex-girlfriend," who wouldn't stop calling her boyfriend, etc. Totally not true. I finally figured out that the reason I "wouldn't stop calling" him was because he started seeing this other girl long before he broke up with me and lied to both of us. And I come off as crazy, lovely.

JPLUR said...

ack! Some of us guys are like this too. This is the reason people play the "I'm only slightly interested in you" game when they start dating. Also why you shouldn't sleep with someone until you rule out that they are a nut job.

spence said...

If I had a nickel, dear Girl in the Mirror, for every time a certain mutual acquaintance of ours slurred "no, no, don't you see, THIS will finally make him realize that it's meant to be" then I would have my own island. And I would name it "Poor Choices."

But multiple screen names...jeesh. I remember what an escandalo it was in high school when my archnemesis made an AIM screen name visually identical to mine (he subbed an O for a zero) and IM'd all my friends nasty ish. This, however, takes everything to a new level.

LadyShay said...

Crazy girls fuck it up for the rest of us. Skanks...

Simon said...

He is nuts, trying to get your attention. Why would some random chick be stalking your random blog and just so happen to have met and is dating the same person off the same website as you. A person that you blew off after a date. He probably found your blog after the cold shoulder and was creepily obsessed so he created some fake girl to keep up communication.

Plus, the stories are totally illogical, seems totally contrived. You're smart enough, you should see through this.


PS - Did you fix your counter to accurately reflect your hit count yet?

The Girl in the Mirror said...

I dunno.... he didn't really seem like the type to care about anything one way or another.

Yes, I did. I installed that counter HTML after I'd started my blog, so you were right, it didn't accurately reflect my hits. I just changed it to the correct website and included a link so you can see all of my stats. I did that just for you! Don't you feel special?

You just loooove to think I'm lying. It must be really frustrating!

Laurel said...

Yay! A new post!

Be gentle on the crazies: they don't realize how crazy they are.

Hannah Sophia said...

She was definitely beyond crazy. I think that every girl has a bit of crazy that peeks through sometimes.

Athena said...

well, I am officially freaked out. It always astounds me what other people are willing to do to themselves and to other people. Like, I understand not being able to feel alone- but that's what family, platonic friends, and therapy is for. The last thing you should do is throw yourself into someone else.

The Renaissance Man said...

It's like playing hopscotch in a minefield. I'm just glad I have all my limbs intact thus far.

Simon said...

Everyone lies. It's always in ones best interest to paint truth in different ways. So it's not frustrating because it's a given, it's just fun to point it out.

Melissa said...

girrlll... don't we all know crazies like that. I hate it when they want you to talk to the guy for them. I am, thankfully, older and wiser now and have weeded out all the crazy and needy bitches in my life.


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