Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Booze makes Big Fish out of Bottomfeeders

Many a time I've met a guy when I was out who seemed like a gem; who was really a rock.

I was out on Saturday celebrating an early Cinco de Mayo weekend with my friends, where I met Casper, a 6'6" hottie with an amazing job at Fox. Amazing you ask? We're talking casting director for every major show on their network. Yeah. I know.

So we met, and we talked. And then we talked some more, and then we flirted. And the flirting turned into major flirting, which led to exchanging numbers, which meant yesterday we were texting each other like crazy. Texting turned into a phone call which ended up being three hours, and by the time we hung out tonight we were ten times more stoked on each other than we were when we first locked eyes.

We decided that we'd hang out tonight, the actual night of Cinco de Mayo, and he had me meet him at his apartment. He lives in a big gated apartment community that seems like it was probably nice 20 years ago but is now a little run-down for how expensive it probably is. I parked on the street and called him, knowing only which building he was in, but not the apartment number; not that it would help, since the door to get in was locked on the outside.

He came down to meet me, and was definitely not as supremely sexy as he was the night I met him, but I assured myself that boys are always better when you first meet them, that all I needed was a drink, and that he was excited to put me on the next season of American Idol - minus the embarrassing first rounds of auditions. He was cute enough. I must have liked him for a reason.

So we get in his car on the way to go out, and he's telling me about this girl at work that he was dating for the past few weeks, but they've broken up, and about all the weird things she's been doing and how awkward it is, but that he thinks they might work it out anyway. I tell him, very honestly, that if he wants to talk about his relationship with another girl I'm willing to listen, but only as a friend. If he wants to date me, he needs to leave all of those stories out of the date. And that it's up to him. So he chooses the former, and continues on about the strange dating circumstances with his co-worker.

We get to the bar and we're drinking, and some skeeze-ball comes up and flirts with me, which motivates him to go from regular "friend" guy to complete douchebag within a few seconds and almost gets into a fight with this pathetic 50 year old guy with too big of a smile. I calm him down, we order another drink. He starts getting flirty. He asks if I've ever been on a first date with a guy this tall. I remind him that this ISN'T a date, since he chose the "friends only, so that I can tell you all the details of dating another girl" option just an hour before in the car. He denies the whole conversation.

I have another drink. He continues flirting. I start to flirt back because now I'm drunk. I try to remind him that this isn't a date. Now he insists that it is. He orders me another drink, even though I'm not halfway through the current one.

Eventually we decide to leave, because now we've been talking about The Secret, and he tells me that he has the video and thinks we should go watch it, so we go. We get to his house, climb up on his bed (and I understand this was my bad), and start watching the DVD. I actually want to watch it, while he just wants an excuse to make out. I keep backing away so that I can watch, but he keeps pushing me back down and kissing me.

Eventually I tell him, "hey, I want to watch this," but he pushes me back down into the pillow hard, and pulls me shirt and bra up and in one foul swoop, aggressively enough to actually hurt my skin. I push him off of me hard and sit up. "WHAT THE FUCK. What's wrong with you," as I'm pulling my shirt back down. I jump off the bed and start looking for my purse.

"You fucking tease," he calls me. I'm not responding because I want to go. He calls me a whore, and tells me all he wanted was to fuck me. I find my purse and head quickly for the door.

But he jumps up. 6'6" worth of drunk, irrational guy are now in front of the door, blocking it. His name-calling is now name-screaming, in my face. "You're a fucking whore! You disgusting slut, you're a tease. Fuck you!" He's yelling at me. Now he's crying. Tears are falling off his face onto my foot. His yelling gets more intense and the name-calling gets more ugly.

I'm scared.

I haven't been scared like this by a guy before. A guy isn't supposed to make you feel scared. I take account of my surroundings; I'm in a strange apartment, with a huge guy I really don't know. A guy who's extremely emotionally unstable and now screaming and crying at me. I need to stay calm. I never should have come back to his apartment with him. This was a mistake.

I tell him calmly that he's scaring me, and I need to go. I feel like as long as I bring himback to what is going on, he'll realize his irrationality and let me leave. It doesn't help. It gets worse. He's yelling. He tells me that hates me, and that he wants me to go to hell. That I've teased him, I've broken his heart, and doesn't know how I could do this after what he's been through lately with that "slut" at his work. I keep repeating, "ok, I'm scared. I want to leave. Please let me leave. You're scaring me." I reach for the doorknob and start to pull it open; he slams it closed. He gets right in my face and tells me I'm a fucking bitch, and that I don't deserve him.

I stand there, I'm shaking. I'm wondering if I'm going to make it out of his apartment alive. I'm wondering if he has a record of doing this kind of thing. I'm thinking about how long it takes before they use GPS to figure out where a cellphone is, and if that's how they'll find me. I'm wishing his neighbors could hear me yelling and would come rescue me. I keep saying, "Casper. I'm scared. Please let me go home. You're scaring me. Please let me go. I'm going to go now." Every time I reach for the door, he shoves my hand away. He's now slumped against the door, sitting on the floor, sobbing; every girl fucks him over, and why does he always meet all these whores? All he wanted was a nice girl to settle down with.

After what seems like hours, he stands up. I tell him, over and over, that I need to leave. I'm going to leave. Let me leave please. All of a sudden to steps away from the door and opens it. As I go to walk out of it, I feel his hand on my back and he shoves me hard into the hallway and against the wall. I'm stunned and spin around, trying to push the door open. I'm not being rational but I'm in shock and angry that a man would lay his hands on me like that. He slams it in my face and cusses at me throught he locked door.

I realize what's happened and take off running for the elevator. Now I'm more scared than ever; once a guy has crossed the line of being violent with a girl, there's no telling what he'll do. I'm pushing the elevator call button frantically when I hear his door open. "Delete my number you fucking bitch, don't ever call me again! Fuck you! You fucking slut!"

Finally the elevator comes, and I stand in it, shaking hard. I get to the bottom floor and I run to my car, though he's probably not following me. When I get in, I lock all the doors, and I burst into tears. I bawl my eyes out all the way to my house.

Now I'm sitting here, and I'm writing this because I don't know what else to do. I know tomorrow I'll tell my friends about it and they'll be there for me the way that friends are, but I'm still going to feel empty. I feel empty because part of me thinks I deserved this, for being an idiot and going with him to his apartment when I didn't even know him. I put myself in dangerous situations, and I'm bound to have a dangerous result at some point.

No one deserves to be touched or talked to like that. I know that and I hope you know that. If you, or anyone you know has been through something like that, please seek help. Talk to someone. Let people know. Telling someone might mean that this person doesn't have the chance to act again against someone else.

I know that there are good guys out there. If anyone knows where they are, please clue me in.

27 people had something to say:

dater x said...

OMG! I'm so sorry that had to happen to you. But don't think that it's your fault. You and I both like the thrill of meeting new people and being spontaneous. But sometimes, it can lead to dangerous situations. But I am soo glad you're safe. And I hope he never calls you.

Cara said...


How about you call Fox up and threaten to go on Oprah about the assault unless they fire him?

Report him to the police, as he needs to go on the sex offenders register. You were lucky to escape, but his next victim might not. He must be stopped NOW.

Finally, you wrote:
"part of me thinks I deserved this, for being an idiot and going with him to his apartment when I didn't even know him."

Yes, that is very true. I hope you've learnt your lesson for good and never, ever put yourself in that kind of situation again.

Your story and countless others like it are what make me refuse to go drinking for fear of getting drunk on first date. And if my date was drinking so much and getting drunk, I would immediately end the date. It is obvious that this guy wanted to get you drunk, because you mentioned how he ordered another drink for you when you had not even finished your current drink.

Copious amounts of alcohol and first dates should not mix at all.



julzanwooyea said...

That last commenter was absolutely WRONG. No matter WHAT you did, WHERE you were, WHAT you wore, you DO NOT DESERVE to be treated that way. Bottom line. Not a single person in the world. It is a problem with our culture and society when we believe that a man has a right to act a certain because of the way a woman acts with him. I don't care if you ran around completely naked, that does not give him the right to touch you if you do not want him to touch. End of discussion. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but do not under any circumstances blame yourself for a second.

M said...

Wow, that's a horrific story and I am so sorry that happened to you. Thank you for being strong enough to share it.

While I don't think you "deserved this" as no one deserves physical harm or verbal abuse, I agree with Cara as it is a lesson. I have put myself in that situation or worse when drinking and have luckily come out okay. Now you have too, and you have shared it, making us all realize again how alcohol and strange men do not mix. Don't be too hard on yourself, just be more careful. Also another thing you can do if you ever start getting scared like that is start yelling for the police or yell out "fire!" (though some believe this is a wrong approach, people who can not see you are more likely to help if they hear this in an apartment building)
Wishing everyone safe dating experiences...

Mason Stanley said...

Wow, harsh stuff. Well first off, NO ONE deserves to be treated that way ever, no excuses, that doesn't happen. Don't try to justify an attack by something you did because you did nothing wrong. I have a friend who got punched by a guy she was dating and tried to make excuses for him. That is the complete wrong thing to do. It is NEVER a female's fault when a guy hits her. There is never an excuse to justify that. Watch a lifetime movie where a girl gets hit, she always starts making excuses and then it keeps happening. There are no excuses and nobody's fault but his.

It is a wake up call that those insecure guys that will lay a hand on females are out there. If a guy ever lays a hand on a girl, that is her red flag to get out because if he does it once he won't hesitate to do it again.

Cara said...

Hmmm, to clarify, I was agreeing with the 'DESERVE' part of the question, more along the lines that she was RESPONSIBLE for the situation she found herself in.

Did she deserve it? No. No one does.

Was she totally responsible? Yes.

He did not force her to get drunk and follow him home and LAY ON HIS BED!

Laurel said...

1. Holy crap. How scary!!

2. What a nut job!!

3. Your writing is fabulous. You made me feel like I was in that apartment with you, and my heart is still racing! This blog is amazing, please keep up your great work :)

dater x said...

maybe i didn't stress this, but you didn't deserve any of what happened to you. even if you did lie on his bed.

even if you did make an unwise judgment call, for someone to do that to you is wrong. and for another person to judge you and your actions.

stay strong girl!!

Benedict Smith said...

That is fucking terrible and I am truly sorry. That's what I usually worry about when a girl friend of mine tells me she's meeting a random guy and why I understand girls are wary of meeting random guys out socially. Regardless of makinga decision that wasn't the most well advised, he didn't allow you to leave, which is AGAINST the law.
Forget what Cara said, at any point a girl can say no, that's part of the power dynamic. Going home and laying on a guy's bed still means you owe him nothing. Period. You really should report this, if nothing else, it will be on record and if something similar or worse happens, there's documentation that shows a pattern of behavior.
Note the irony of him saying he just wanted a nice girl to settle down with but he attempted to turn the first date into far more than that and was only angry and abusive when he was rejected.

Simon said...

I'm not going to say I told you so, well, actually, I am. That's what you get when you meet guys drunk at bars! What type of guys do you think hang out and hit on girls in bars, anyway? Guys that are alcoholic, abusive, childish, emotionally unstable, and that lie about having cool jobs (yeah, suuuuure, he was a casting director for Fox, and I'm a neurosurgeon who happens to be Persian royalty). Most importantly, guys go to bars to get laid. That is the primary and only purpose of bars for guys. You go to bars to get drunk enough find someone attractive that you ordinarily wouldn't, putting on blinders to any of the red flags, so that you can ignore whats left of your self respect enough to go back to their place and sleep with them. Thus, filling the hole inside you that going home alone to your empty apartment would make it too much to bear. This is why girls go to bars. Guys go to get laid, thats why we invented them. It's sort of a yin-yang thing.

I would go into detail regarding what "type" of girls hang out at bars, but you know that all too well, I'm sure. But generally and from my experience, attention whores that think they want to find "a nice guy" but are too wrapped up in guys like "Casper" to even notice the "nice guys", not that nice guys would actually meet girls in a bar.

Anyway, you should call the police and report him if things really did happen the way you said; he's committed numerous crimes based on your statement. However, I'm sure you don't want to go through that ordeal, so maybe you should just take this as a lesson learned.

Oh, and I was looking forward to your response to my last comment on your "Waitlisted" entry. I was disappointed to see that your only action was to block anonymous comments. Censorship, really? Who are you, the Bush administration, China?

Anyway, good story. Keep them coming, as I'm sure you will.

Matthew SanGabriel said...

umm, i totally disagree with Mr. Simon. I hang out in bars all the time and I have also had my share of asshole moments but I would never ever think of laying my hand on or even detaining a female even is I was drunk. That is for total losers to do. As for simon's lil stereotype about the people that hang out in bars, sounds like he has been made fun of by one too many jocks in his time.

I know a lot of great guys and girls that both hang out at bars. I wonder why he has all that built up hatred towards bars, sounds like someone's ex cheated on him when she went to a bar.

You did nothing wrong and didn't deserve anything that happened. 1 asshole guy doesn't mean that the entire gender are assholes.

Well I mean I guess we can say 2 assholes? Right Simon? ;-)

keep on keepin on!

MastaX said...

Disabling anonymous comments is a good thing actually, sorry Simon.

Hope you be more careful with the men you choose to go with, it sucks because its hard to know whos a psycho.

Be safe! :)

Stephanie said...

That's definitely scary!!

I agree with the other commments...you should report it to the Police, even though they probably won't do anything. For sure - still report it!

It's a good reminder not to go home with strange guys...and to make sure someone knows where you are and when you were going/coming back!

Thanks for sharing the experience...it couldn't have been easy.

cj said...

You should do a post on your top 10 "Red Flags" for assholes.


Simon said...

Oh, snaps.

Simon said...


One writer, multiple personalities. Now that would make for a good blog!

Girl in the Mirror,

I think you should go with that explaination, you'd probably get a hits spike in both your blogs, people like crazy.

And respond to my last "anon" post on your "waitlisted" entry, I'd love to hear your thoughts. My e-mail address is simondaily.blog@gmail.com

DianaL said...

Just started reading your blog- so sorry that experience happened to you. I agree that you did nothing wrong. You went with your instincts after the date and the guy turned out to be a mess. I hope you're friends take care of you today!

Henrietta Hussy said...

That situation was definitely not your fault. There is no way you could have anticipated that sudden turn of events. Just because you go over to someone's house doesn't mean you are going to put out and doesn't give anyone the right to make you feel uncomfortable and put you in a dangerous situation. It is definitely not your fault. The most important thing is that you DO NOT blame yourself!!!!

Michael said...

I was just killing time on the web and I came across your Blog and this entry. I am a 45 year old pretty cool guy – smart, good looking – blah blah blah – and I am always looking and hoping for a sexy, smart and cool counterpart. When and if I am fortunate enough to meet that person, it is a PRIVILEGE. I live in LA but I am a NYer at heart and I cannot believe the manner in which people treat each other out here. Your story in particular is disturbing because some men show a sense of entitlement to EVERYTHING that is CRIMINAL and the fact that for some it carries over into women is absolutely DISGUSTING.

When you are a 20-something bragging abut how many girls you sleep with - well – that’s how it is sometimes – but it is innocuous “guy fun” or “locker-room” talk. But, when you are a 25+ year-old professional and you take a woman out on a date or an excursion you should ALWAYS make her feel COMFORTABLE. You may be a big man at work but on a Date or when you are with a woman you are LUCKY to merely be IN HER PRESENCE and should act accordingly. SHE makes the rules as to how, where and when things happen in a relationship and she can change her mind ANYTIME she wants.

I’m very sorry that you went through that. Some guys get their toughness and machismo by being misogynistic and others (which is the group I think I fall into) become Men by simply ALWAYS doing what is right. It is AMAZING how LA is so much like a bad High School sitcom. You need to hang with a better quality of people because under no circumstances did you deserve anything that you got – but as soon as the guy started talking about the EX – you should have put an end to it and rented a good movie. A guy like that does not deserve your time. Michael

The Renaissance Man said...

Well, nothing like a damsel in distress story to bring out the trolls.

Here's the deal, you didn't deserve what happened. However, there are lots of things that happen in this world that people don't deserve. In the end, the onus for your safety falls upon you. Your personal security is your responsibility, because you can't trust someone you just met to have your interests placed ahead of theirs.

You should have picked up on the warning signs. It seems, from the way you wrote the post, that there was something "off" about the way he carried himself. You either missed them during the date, or chose to ignore them. In the first instance, you need to learn from what happened. In the second instance, well, you can't fix stupid.

You can't account for other people's actions, only your own. A little perception on your part could have avoided the situation entirely. You have to look out for yourself, and avoid putting yourself in dangerous situations, because other people are not obligated to do it for you.

Clint said...

First, let me say that I'm so sorry for what happened to you.

I actually work for Fox in the casting office in NY and I can tell you with absolute certainty that the guy you described does not work in our LA casting office. He might be an employee of the company, but he certainly isn't in our department. This clearly disturbed gentleman has lying and deceiving you since minute one.

Again, I'm so sorry about what happened and I wish you all the best.

Redhead said...

wow that is horrible. what a nightmare!

J said...

Wow, I'm so sorry that happened to you. But yeah, going back to a guys apartment or letting him come to your place on a first date isn't a good idea. Even though you may have put yourself in a dangerous situation though, no one ever deserves to be treated like that and you weren't "asking for it" and he is responsible for his own actions no matter what anyone else says or does. Also, reading this reminded me of the websites like:


where you can post about bad guys so they can be avoided in the future. They even have sites for girls that guys can post on. The internet is great for meeting tons of people but can also be used to help others out and warn them about the bad ones. Just thought I'd share that in case you never heard of it.

Best of luck with dating in the future and I LOVE reading your blog!! :)

Kristina said...

This post scares the shiot out of me, mostly because I can really see that happening to me sometime. Thanks for sharing this, and I will DEFFINETLY be thinking about it next time I'm invited over to a new guy's house. I'm so glad you made it out safe!

LadyShay said...

Holy Shit. That motherfucker!! Even though you went back to his apartment and even in his bed, he had no validation on calling you names, trying to get more than what you were offering, preventing you from leaving, or putting his hands on you. NONE WHATSOEVER.

makeitwarmer said...

It seriously sickens me that you think you "deserved" that. No still and always means, NO. You may have made a crappy choice yes, but that in no way means you DESERVE someone trying to assault you! It really pisses me off than anyone agrees that you kinda deserved that. I feel like that mentality keeps women from seeking the help they need when they ARE assaulted because they, and others, believe they deserved it.

Me said...

Wow. What a douche! :(


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