Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What a guy wants, what a guy needs...

A friend of mine is caught in a strange situation with her guy, and has been asking me advice.

Now usually I'm the go-to for guy-related questions, but for once I'm kind of at a loss.

So here's the sitch. (And maybe I should have "Asked Mason," but I digress.) She met this guy, and they totally hit it off. They had major chemistry, "got" each other, wanted to spend every waking second together, texted each other during the time they couldn't hang out (ie during work and sleeping time), etc. Everything was just dandy, up until about a week and a half ago.

All of a sudden, this dream dude seemed to disconnect himself. Where he used to call/write/email/text/smoke-signal her regularly, he now hardly seems to have the time to hang out with her or even think about her. At one point when they were first getting to know each other, he had told her that occasionally he goes through phases where he holes himself up in his room and hides from the world with video games and movies, and although it seems like he just wants to be alone, he's really looking for attention. As any girl knows, the worst thing you can do when a guy starts to pull back is come on stronger, but according to him, thats really what he's wishing for when he acts that way. So fast forward back to the present, where she's sitting on my couch moping around because her super sweet dream guy seems to be completely forgetting abotu her. Her feelings and desire to see him haven't changed, but he seems to feel completely differently.

Now her guy doesn't seem to be a bad person, don't get me wrong. I'm definitely rooting for the guy. He's funny, smart, outgoing, and seems really nice to her. And it isn't as though he's being an ass. He's still nice when they do talk or hang out, but as she described it, "it seems like the fire has died down to an ember." And after only a month and a half, we both agree the fire shouldn't have changed any yet.

They sat down and talked about it (I know, every guy's favorite activity) and he finally admitted that things seemed different to him too, and that it had come about the day he made her his girlfriend. Having that label apparently spooked him to a point of wanting to push the relationship far enough away to feel like a single guy again, despite the fact that he has self-proclaimed "super strong feelings" for her. According to her, they hardly ever see each other now, and she's lucky to hear from him once a day through text message or email.

I'm trying to be there for her, but I don't know what to tell her. She's a pretty tough cookie, and she's starting to feel like "if he isn't ready for me, then I'm moving on." We both agreed that their relationship was something really special, but she insists it just doesn't feel that way anymore.

What do you guys think? Is it doomed? Should she wait it out more? Is he looking for attention? Or will it be better in the long run for her to pull back too?

14 people had something to say:

Cara said...

I'm only replying because of your poor clueless friend. She can save the relationship but she has to follow all the guidelines in this book, so if you are a good friend you'd buy it for her (instead of just recommending it to her). It's saved one my best friends from a broken heart and now she is happily married.

You can buy an out of print copy from as cheap as 75 cents (or buy the more expensive updated one, but they are pretty much the same!)

Men Who Can't Love: When A Man's Fear Make Him Run from Commitment

link for old book

link for new book

x

Cara

Anonymous said...

I DON'T ALWAYS UNDERSTAND THE REASONING BEHIND THE WHOLE "I WANT YOU TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND...WAIT NEVER MIND...WAIT YES I DO..." MENTALITY THAT GUYS SEEM TO TAKE SOMETIMES. I HAVE SEEN THIS TYPE OF THING HAPPEN TO FRIENDS OF MINE TOO, AND EVENTUALLY IT GETS REALLY OLD, AND TIRESOME TO WAIT AROUND FOR SOMEONE TO MAKEUP THEIR MIND ABOUT "REALLY LIKING SOMEONE" AND WANTING TO BE IN A REAL FUN RELATIONSHIP. I HAVE ALWAYS STOOD BY MY FRIENDS, HELD THEIR HANDS, CONSOLED THEM AND EVENTUALLY HAD THE PLEASURE OF SETTING THEM UP WITH SOME OTHER FANTASTIC DUDE WHEN THE CURRENT BF FINALLY DID REALIZE THAT THEY ARE EMOTIONALLY INCAPABLE OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP. I JUST HOPE THAT YOUR FRIEND REALIZES SOON ENOUGH THAT ALTHOUGH SHE MAY WISH ITS NOT THE END OF WHAT THEY HAD, THIS SOON INTO IT, IT JUST MAY BE. TELL HER TO DON'T GIVE UP HOPE, BUT TO BE CAUTIOUS TOO. TAKE CARE

meg said...

She needs to call it off because he's not in the same place she is. Who wants a dude who can turn his feelings off on a dime and not be trusted to be there for her? Any girl deserves more than that. She should tell him 'buh-buy', be sad that her Dream Dude wasn't who she thought he was, and move on.

Mason Stanley said...

Any guy that has been single for a long period of time will be afraid of any labels that hint toward commitment. Most of the time going from "dating" to "relationship" for a guy is a HUGE step even though nothing really changes in said relationship. The word "relationship" is taboo for a lot of guys because they think it represents a lot of bad things like the lack of freedom, loss of friends, relationship bickering, etc...

We have all had those relationships where you are so focused on our significant other that we don't make time for friends anymore and we lose a lot of friends in the process. At the end of this relationship we're left with very little friends and a broken heart. That is the feeling that cause a lot of guys to stay away from the slightest sound of a relationship.

I have a friend who got out of a bad relationship 2 years ago and in the past 2 years I have seen him pass up so many great girls because things went too fast too soon and he got scared.

It may be the guys fault that he is pushing away but finding out why is huge. You're friend should find out exactly why he is pushing away and then approach the situation from an understanding perspective while slowing down the "relationship" stuff. A relationship may be what she wants and all things come with time but if it's too much too fast then she may be scaring away a great guy.

A relationship can only move as fast as the slowest person. Move too fast and you'll leave a great person behind.

M said...

Ack! My best friend is going through a similar situation with her guy. I've been telling her to see it out, keep giving him a chance- but to be honest his bs has been going on for over two months now and doesn't look to change. I think Mason has a good point about the guy being freaked out, but it sucks that the fire is now an ember, can they get that back? I kind of doubt it...

Shay said...

I agree with mason totally! The guy may just want things to slow down a bit. I was in a situation similar to this with the guy I'm dating. I just gave him space. Your friend should maybe start spending more time with friends, go out and have fun, even casually date other guys. If this guy really likes her and thinks he might lose her, then he'll get his act together and tell her how he really feels.

Becca said...

from what you described, it sounds like he's the kinda guy who likes the chase, and maybe it was the rush of "getting her" that really grinded his gears. maybe he isn't even aware of this himself?

Or maybe i'm completely wrong and he just feels trapped by the labeling of a relationship or something like that.

Anonymous said...

I'd tell "your friend" to stick it out. But also tell her to watch herself, cause the deeper she goes, it won't nessesarily be the case for him. And this most likely will come up again soon if its happened already this early in the game.

MastaX said...

Probably easier to move on and realize that he is not ready for a relationship at this time in his life.

kaal boishakhi said...

god..book promotions. jesus.
here's the deal
a) she should reassure him there's nothing to be scared off. That wether or not this works out for them, she's had a good time and appreciates him as a person. chill.
b) if he has such strong association with labels, they need to back off giving it terms that make either one uncomfortable. go back to dating other people and keep the option for this relationship t evolve at a natural pace.
c) he's already mentioned he has 'serious feelings' for her. He's either got trust or commitment issues and there's nothing wrong with that. If he's ready to change and work through those issues, giving him space to do that will allow for it to happen. If he's not, there's not a thing in the world you can do to make someone go through an emotional process that they're not ready for. If such is the case, move on to someone who is, or keep in touch and wait till he is...only if he's special enough, which he sounds like.

ditch all the typical girly/dating advice. real relationships are complex and require work and patience, not junior-high school mindgames.

Cara said...

kaal boishakhi book promotions...bad?

Yet you've just fucken written a book with your fucken long comment.

Twat.

h3llc4t said...

Hey, Cara...learn to spell "fucking" before you post an erroneous comment.
Thanks.

If the same thing that happened to your friend happened to me, I'd stop chasing him. And you can't do it in a "I'll wait patiently until he decides he wants to see me again"...find something else to do and don't sit around for him. I don't want anyone who doesn't want me, and if he's going to go cold, give him his solace and do things that you enjoy. If he decides that his life is actually more boring without you in it, he'll come around and invite you into his hidey-hole. If not, he might not have been a great match anyway.

My boyfriend went into the same pattern when we first started dating. I used the free time to hang out with my friends and do things I enjoyed. He eventually got sick of being such a recluse and, while he still withdraws from most people, he no longer shuts me out of that part of his life.

Cara said...

h3llc4t you are silly if you think I spend my time learning to spell words or use spell check for people are unimportant as you.

If you are unable to read it, move on.

Benedict Smith said...

the "i can't handle the label" bit is cliche and trite. if she wants him, it's on her terms not his. if she bends now, he knows he can do what he wants, IE: run around or worse.
when girls give up the label, to the guy, it's free reign and more concessions are guaranteed to follow.

 

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